christmas time

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Saturday, December 24, 2005

4:49 PM

christmas time.
without daddy?
ppl sms me and ask wat i'm doing to celebrate christmas, i'm at the hospital, i reply.

a sense of loss
my bro
myself
my dad

Eric gan introduced us to his team of doctors hu took care of dad, there's prof Koh, and Dr Mack and some other ppl. i'm more weary dis days, homework, lack of sleep. THE problem, dad in hospital...making me feel really old inside. ok, den my dad's condition is roughly de same, blood pressure ok, heart rate ok, but still have inflammation and bloatness, tho the contaminated water has dwindled to a little, which the doctor said would not pose too much of a problem. but now, he started to excrete waste dis days. its a good sigh tt the inflammation is clearing up, as the big intestines is moving along agin. this prompted the doctor to start feeding him milk to nourish him and all.and today, he urined a bit more den usual, but which is still rather unsatifactory, thus he still had to have the dialysis and ventilator on
oh ya, on abt thurs, me and my sis brought a CD player to play songs for dad to hear, to soothe his pain, and grant him temporary relief. Qing wen came almost daily despite having camp, he even bought a CD for dad. :)
all in all, its has ONLY been 21 days, and it seemed like forever..God is testing my patience?
haiz, i find myself slipping into a bad routine, everyday i'll wake up and go hospital, day after day, until i dun feel anything anymore..like being force fed painkillers,like feeling numb...its become more of out of habit....i suddenly realised tt on fri nite, on another of my "rountine" visit...and i cried and cried, my dad...and i'm coming to see him not out of love but becuz it seemed like clockwork, like a pre programmed show, like non living, unfeeling...like a puppet....i'm so ashamed of myself...
so now, i prayed to God, pls guide me, watch my feelings, towards dad and towards The problem. i hope i can survive everything and come out intact. i hope to let my inner self be seen, to feel from the bottom of my heart. and not to slip into habit's sake.
sour....tts wat shang zhi said
worries, it feels like somone clenching ur heart so tightly u cant breathe..a sour feeling
i'm jealous
i cant seem to bond wif my bro, he seems more inclined towards my sis, not me, maybe its becuz of our age, maybe of habit....
lots of maybes, but i'll never noe wat he thinks if he dun talk to me.
i yearn for a close-knit relationship, esp in dis troubled times, to confide in others, and to be confided in, a sense of sercurity.
but it seems impossible, two years diff yet so far away. under same roof yet so aloof.
he wont go and see dad and its driving mom mad
i dun noe y, quarrels xplode like volcanoes daily, and no permanent way to solve it. if only dad was here..but even if he was, he's not like the old him anymore
things r different now isn't it?
isn't it
and its never gonna return back to that situation
i might as well stop dreaming.
to pieces
wif my dreams.
btw, merry christmas...a bit morose tho.

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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