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Sunday, October 31, 2010

12:41 AM

Joshua 1:9 (New International Version)

⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

that's what i must be

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strong and courageous

" the night is darkest before dawn"

Like a little paper doll, blown about helplessly in the raging merciless tempest.

you know, Wayne, you once answered this to my question : what super powers would you want, if you can have any you like?

you said, i would like the power to read minds

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i wish you could get that power too ..

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Little bear dressed up in winter togs,

who ate the choco from the choco jar?

who me? yes you ? couldn't be, then who?

open him up, and there nestled comfortably , are little balls of chocolately treasure wrapped all in gold

the opposite of what i'm feeling the entire day

starts singing " this is halloween " from Nightmare before christmas

fuzzballs made from needle felt

taken in happier hours, aka before wayne woke up around 3 +

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had a sort of a bad convo with wayne

i dun know what he's thinking anymore

i'm thinking maybe i should start detaching myself more

i dun know what i should do, or think or behave anymore

stressed

was so pent up the whole day, face black black, unintentionally, but inside bleeding, thinking , doubting .

mind in a huge overdrive, calculating possibilities, planning further steps, what exactly does everything means for me and for him , and at the same time, half my brain, is telling myself to chill, relax man, cheer up babe, its ok , its ok ...

tears wanted to roll out quite a few times.

had to pinch myself, scold myself sternly, to stop this nonsense

was so moody all the way home. heart heavy like lead

brain not functioning.

how come every such convo affects me so much?

went to the place where i first buried my hermit crab

sat there in the dark on a park bench istening to " officially missing you " by JS and On my own over and over

cried and cried

sang and sang

i dun care who heard me or see me or whatever

i just want to do whatever i want to do

sang my heart out

for myself, for everything's thats going through my brain , for relief

i shall call that my little midnight sanctuary

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my hermit crab was my first pet that i actually cried over , and gave him a proper coffin and burial .

i wonder if its returned to become the soil now

it has been 6 years now

din dare to go home, cuz i din want anyone to see my botched up face, at least in the dark, its not so obvious

after my unofficial sing-a thon

felt so light

that's my first real smile in the whole day, ah , how well it brightens up my whole soul

just by that single genuine curved line

looking up at the night sky

the night sky is sprinkled with many small twinkling stars

lying on the grass without a care

a few people walked by and stared at me

self conscious but couldnt care less

i was more worried about ants and bugs than humans at that point in time.

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come now , sing with me !

feel the ache in my heart
as the lyrics resonate into the darkness of the night

it feels SO GOOD to heck care about my public image ,and just let myself go ..go completely.

you may think i'm crazy, but i'm totally at peace with myself ,and you dun matter if you think i'm mad .

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Saturday, October 30, 2010

7:32 PM

You're the most happy thing that has happened to me recently

and incidentally the one who has caused me the most stress, and made me shed the most tears.

i'm tired

i had enough

i'm not pretending its gonna be easy

but it shouldnt be worse than what i'm feeling now , couldnt it ?

the feeling of crying your head off, but the pressure to hold things in , breathe deeply, put on a fake smile and pretend to the whole world that everything's all right.

i feel horrible

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i've made up my mind when i started this blog, that i will not censor any of my posts ,
so i'm not gonna delete the above.
let it be a chronicle of my 20th year of existence

i feel like deleting the above now , because that is written in a fit of impulse, anger, hurt

you know what i feel like doing now?
i'm going to run
i'm going to run at night after work, run and run and run
let the howling wind dull my senses,
my aching muscles distracting me from my thoughts
and the fatigue from exercising lull me into a dreamless sleep

i dun want to talk to anyone

I am woman , hear me roar!

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Thursday, October 28, 2010

1:13 AM

rar...

nothing is permanent, and nothing is impermanent.
i have almost always lost sight of this

i will be a strong roxanne, i will be my own woman

i will not need people, and especially, men, to support me.

i'm not weak that way

i live and let live.

i hope this streak of independence will last.

if its meant to last, it will last.

i've become a stupid door mat recently ;(

why should you be crazy over someone who's not as crazy over you?

i'll save that craziness for future times, or for somebody else.
and anyway this long distance thingamatoo is getting on my nerves.
its impossible to be crazy over someone long term long distance who doesnt reciprocate it to the same degree or perhaps even feel it to the same extent as i do

too taxing .
and not rewarding. i need rejuvenation! ( which he's not able to give , since its long distance)
and so i will find this rejuvenation elsewhere

and so , i hope this streak of independence lasts.

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shall do a photo dump, took quite a bit of photos recently ;)

met up with cat the other day , thinking of going back to daiso to pick up more useless $2 things :)

had my first ever in-house clothes viewing session. I took it so seriously i cleared mom's hanging rack and shifted it to my room.
i also cleaned up the whole house plus my room. i provided chocolates, orange juice, and even played music! all in my nice air conditioned room :)

Hope wanted to buy several of my clothes so she came over to try them on. the night before i was all a frenzy, digging through my piles of stuff in the storeroom and ironing them one by one before hanging them up , making sure they're all facing the same direction.
i even color coded them, from darkest apparels to lightest.
i guess working in sunflower have taught me a few things about presentation, and as a female shopper, i want the feeling of the session to be like trying clothes in your own house .

sold 7 pieces for $82 :)
still alright, gave really liberal discounts, i just want to clear after all, and Hope's a friend :)

last day of jialing working at Sunflower.
i'll miss her.. she has been the longest staying employee, from the day i came in til the day i left, it has been what, nearly 2 years? more than 2 years for her..

well.. things changes, times changes, and even the people and environment dun stay the same forever.
Its time for a change.

Painted by a local artist called Paul Koh, this totally caught my eye i couldnt resist taking a photograph. For one, i love japanese traditional styled waves, they always remind me of the majesty of the crashing surf an the danger that it carries. The cute cat just adds to the whole charm .the whole series is called catma sutra and features the smiling cat in different scenarios . Cute!

Uber cute iphone pouches! i think i wont bear to use them like seriously. way too charming!

Sheela is leaving Sunflower soon too..

Sheela sim's one major obsession: she has nearly bought out the entire store's polka dot items, and now she has gone on to polka dot her toe nails too, haha!

customer with quirky radio bag with 3-d knobs :)

view from my way home after school at twilight one day. looks magical doesnt it ?

my primary school

my church

Knitted cuties by a cambodian charity who teaches cambodian women to knit these plushies for sale worldwide in order to provide them with fair employment, and to elevate their standard of living .
Too cute for words!

Kitschy and electic range of handsewn goodies that i particularly like! made in singapore by an artistically trained lady, everything is one of a kind, but the prices are sky high.. at least for a poor student like me . still, its free to ogle :)

Gardening display outside the shop, the head can bob up and down :)

i really like the bird print, its simple, but something i can look at always and not feel bored.

Iphone pouch! once again, too cute to be used..

Been sleeping late this few days.. bad skin.. :(

the graphic on this bag is cut out from a coffee label! Amazing ! there's a customizing service available for your favourite snack wrapper to be sew and waterproofed into a carrieable tote :)

MY FAVOURITE TWO ITEMS !

Mr hedgehog! Handsewn! it was stocked up today, and i took pictures of it IMMEDIATELY . Super gorgeous! and its only goinf for $8! had to exercise my willpower to stop the buying impulse. because after i had bought it i wouldnt know what to do with it :)

MR FOX!

reminds me of the saying: Kitsune no yo merii ( or part there of ! >,<) it means fox weddings the japanese believed that when it rains when there is sun shining, foxes are getting married. foxes are such an integral part of japanese culture! Loves! badgers too :)

Sunny bouquet of sunflowers

More next time ! its pretty darn late now.. shall go to bed .
Night people!

Send in the clowns!

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Thursday, October 21, 2010

2:18 PM

I have been searching for this for very very long...
i have had asked many a people about whether sending in the clowns is a phrase in english that meant that there is a sending in of a distraction to dull the masses senses to the disaster at hand.

something like the orchestra playing on the titanic when it was about to sink.

so many people told me they did not know... and i was disappointed.

but now ! i've found the answer to my questions!

love clowns :)

circus, carnivals and clowns hold a special magical allure for me. they have always fascinated me a lot, perhaps because i grew up in a more sheltered enviroment in singapore, where there's not much fun and allure during the growing up years.
or perhaps its do do with the excessive reading of enid blyton during my childhood.

if i do ever have the chance to go to a bona fide true blue carnival, i'm sure i'll be transported to the mindset of a little girl gleefully enjoying the proceedings around her in innocent rapture.

okies

so :)

what is " send in the clowns? "

-

"Send in the Clowns" is a song by Stephen Sondheim from the 1973 musical A Little Night Music, an adaptation of Ingmar Bergman's film Smiles of a Summer Night. It is a ballad from Act II in which the character Desirée reflects on the ironies and disappointments of her life. Among other things, she looks back on an affair years earlier with the lawyer Fredrik. Meeting him after so long, she finds that he is now in an unconsummated marriage with a much younger woman. Desirée proposes marriage to rescue him from this situation, but he declines, citing his dedication to his bride. Reacting to his rejection, Desirée sings this song. The song is later reprised as a coda after Fredrik's young wife runs away with his son, and Fredrik is finally free to accept Desirée's offer.

Sondheim wrote the song specifically for the actress Glynis Johns, who created the role of Desirée on Broadway. The song is structured with four verses and a bridge, and uses a complex triple meter. It became Sondheim's most popular song after Judy Collins and Frank Sinatra recorded it in 1975. Subsequently, Dame Judi Dench, Grace Jones, Barbra Streisand, Shirley Bassey, Zarah Leander, Tiger Lillies and many other famous artists have recorded the song, and it became a jazz standard.

what does it mean?

In the Stephen Sondheim musical "A Little Night Music" Desiree reflects on the ironies and disappointments in her love life.

The Chorus "Send In The Clowns" refers to the old circus practice of sending the clowns into the ring to distract from a disaster. ( i love this ! )

So she is basically looking for something to distract from her life.

Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer,
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.

the studio recording version :

piano version :

i love the intro for the piano !

:)

clowns!

and i came across this while searching for send in the clowns, unrelated, but found this nice carnival circus music ! :)

yup yup ;)

excited

shall blog more soon :)

i think i have expanded my likings to a few more things :)

i like clowns, brollies, trench coats, cobble stones, frogs ,whales and owls :)

totally awesome :)

i cant wait for paris :)

misty rain, invigorating coldness, being out alone in the cobbled alleyways at first light.
dressed elegantly and warmly in a snug trenchcoat.

puddles splashing around my boots.

aahh..
beautiful image :)

paris paris !

XD

die hard romantic

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

7:26 PM

maybe i'm too serious.

stillmate

would you do something you know that you cant exit later?
but i guess if you decided to do something in the first place, den you wouldnt think about the exit?

Habit

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2:02 PM

I am your constant companion.

I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.

Half of the things you do you might as well turn over to me and I will do them - quickly and correctly.

I am easily managed - you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically.

I am the servant of great people,
and alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.

I am not a machine though
I work with the precision of a machine
plus the intelligence of a person.

You may run me for profit or run me for ruin -
it makes no difference to me.

Take me, train me, be firm with me, and
I will place the world at your feet.

Be easy with me and I will destroy you.

Who am I? I am Habit.

Humans are creatures of habit.

Time is a neutral element

It heals and exasperates,

depending on the situation.

Disillusioned

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1:51 PM

Disillusioned.

i'm going to press down my expectations

keep my head low

be prepared for the worst

and distract myself with other things

i'm not going to think about things, worry about things, or whatever.

if need be , then let what comes, comes.

i dun know what tomorrow will bring

maybe i will find that i cant stand anything anymore and flee.
i've always been good at escaping.

end of test! end of long long week!

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Saturday, October 16, 2010

12:06 AM

Its been a long long week! test , tutorials, continuation of adjusting my life to changes.

consciously making an effort to be nicer to myself, treating myself to masks, ( if you look good you feel happier right? ) and no more $2 meals..

a bit less stressed, as the self stipulated deadline of 20th oct draws nearer.

looking forward to buying my ticket.. has been dreaming for this moment for a long long time..

whoa! yes!

but may not be taking emirates anymore, cuz cat told me about zuji.com, and that never to order from the airline , because its more expensive.

met cat today to catch up and eat dinner at bukit panjang at 7.30 pm :)

haven seen her in a long long time! missed all my girls so much! its so great to see cat again, made a few plans to meet up again soon! :)

ate at streats hongkong cafe, really not bad the food! and they have this loyalty card next visit can get free drink already :)

went to daiso and bought a few items for school, mainly files, and i couldnt resist this really cute pouch !!

i love frogs ! :)

i din dare to browse around too much .. cuz my wallet always goes lighter in daiso very fast..

found this matching frog coin pouch, but its too small for anything, though i like the design better..sad

haha!!

feel alive again, kinda rejuvenated, :) after a long hard week, work full day on sat and sun :(

oh wells, i really do hope i can get my pay on the 20th of October, so i can pay for my tickets immed

some things from my shop that i like :

random photo of the day, saw this really cute baby wearing a garfield suit , actually what attracted me was the suit not the baby.
i cant say i'm a big fan of kids and babies..

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more soon :)