dreams

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Monday, January 31, 2011

12:05 AM

Dreams ...

i just recalled my dream

its has to do with elevators in this crickety old house that has winding staircases ( reminds me of the houses in Paris) with no windows throughout the old house.

and there's this exposed elevator ( a cross between the floatin lecterns from Edge chronicles and the actual elevators in paris houses.) that brings me from level to level .
each floor was lit by a single vintage bulb swinging precariously . the light was dim and dusty and the whole house musty and dark , ( brownish light )
i was somehow sent up to the penthouse to search for something that i had lost there.
something very important.
to do with paperwork.
the whole floor was taken up by floor to ceiling musty shelves and filled with scrolls, papryrus, and all things vintage and paperish .
there were dust and cobwebs everywhere .

as usual, i'm alone in my dreams, and i was trying to pull out this huge drawing table to look at the things underneath .
however there wasnt enough light as the ceiling did not have any light and the only light was from the dim light bulb from the bottom floor.

den i was transported somewhere with the same strange elevators , but this time it was like in a vintage hotel. ( the style is similar to disney paris's hollywood tower of horror, just that they had the same cage like elevators. ) this time the doors were made of some luminescent material that was one moment see through and another moment metal rock solid.,

i din know what was going on, just knew that i had to prevent something/someone from coming out of the lift.
the whole thing reeked of upper house sorcery ( the keys to the kingdom series)
and had a vague idea that there were witches around and that i was in grave danger.

den somehow i woke up

Packed Saturday

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Sunday, January 30, 2011

12:21 AM

went out with Fengsoon in the morning to watch Its a Great World.
Came out of the movie feeling inspired , happy and contented. its a great movie, and its set in 1940's Singapore, based on a real life amusement park in called Great World Park.

went to meet wansing and yuan yuan at udders in the afternoon , west mall .

headed over to eugene's 21st birthday. Rekindled some emotional memories.
practiced my salsa a bit, and wasnt surprised to see that my standard dropped.
was raining and pouring cats and dogs

walked home in the rain and was drenched to the skin as i did not have an umbrella.

its nice to walk in the rain at night sometimes.

Ping Pong Song on Piano

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Friday, January 28, 2011

3:39 PM

i remembered Ryan once posted this on his wall page, suddenly recalled the tune and wanted to share it on my page :) enjoy ! i love section 1.40 :)

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3:09 PM

all dressed up and ready to roll !

Today's a busy day, but failed to study again :(
finished eugene's birthday day

( the real colour is a very dark purple- more of the second picture den the first)

going to teach tuition at about 4 pm
meeting my brother at outram park at 7, we're going to book cellar !
den at 11 pm will meet tim for a midnight movie, burlesque :)

tired,
haha
tomorrow morning meeting fs for gulliver's travel movie ,
den meeting wansing and yuan at udders
planning my birthday party there! and to emo about life with them over rum and raisin ice cream, yum yum :)
at about 7-8 pm will head over to eugene's house for party. might stop at Sueanne's house along the way, give buddy a scratch .
i miss buddy so much ..
buddy wuddy :)
or maybe not, depends on the time.

chocolates given by suzanne! XD so nice of her :) yea! chocolates for me !! though its essentially butter cookies and coated with chocolates but still :)

my latest 2 customized notebooks.. i need to clear all my custom notebooks!

JOE ARROYO YAMULEMAU SALSA

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11:55 AM

salsa-fied :)

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11:29 AM

wow, i slept at 4 am last night and was woken up today by a frantic call by one of my overseas best friend :)

last minute tips on salsa
haha~ great morning :)

listening to salsa music now :) cool , it feels different giving the instructions on how to do basic steps over the phone, and now i'm logged on internet sending her some of my beginner salsa songs and explaining to her about the steps and the links on video that teaches basic salsa

fun fun fun ! the day is off to a good start and its raining so heavily here! cosy mozy :)

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Thursday, January 27, 2011

10:22 PM

yea right!

go on a rebound to get over my break up ?

what a ridiculously fantastic and amazing suggestion!

man... fine! go have a fling ,

i cant be bothered.

i'm not going to sink to your level.

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5:54 PM

today is quite an emo day

woke up late, did practically nothing

lounged around the house,

neglected my extensive study plans for maths and stats, and neglected my plans to go get art supplies from popular so i can finally finish my 4 custom notebooks :(

in a stupid rut

watched the big bang theory like a maniac, its as if its the only thing holding me together today.

sheldon, leonard,penny..

gar...

hyper reality, they seem more real to me than my real life

pathetic isnt it ??

oh my, i still have to teach tuition tonight.

in a horrible wasted mood

kept thinking about paris

where i went, what i did

started thinking about hk, about the 15 degree temperature and that i need to start packing ;(

thinking about going to germany to meet wansing and going to paris to see neri

worrying about accomodation now cuz i dun think it'll be nice to ask neri to let me stay there again .. since i'm no longer friends with wayne .

or close friends with wayne,

or anything with wayne.

lols

hmmm, budget budget budget...

bills bills bills..

studies studies studies ...

today is just a madcap, i -just-wasted-time day..

just thinking of all the things that i have to do gives me a headache.

i need a hug :(

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4:54 PM

sigh ..

so busy !

i din realise i was so popular :(

gosh, hardly a day goes past now in which i dun have some pressing things to do .

kinda missing my old solitary life , lols, haha .. i just wanna finish big bang theory part 3
THIS is why i dun watch movies by myself at home , i dun have time!

man, its either working at sunflower, teaching tuition 3 times a week, studying for tests, clearing my assignments, going out with tim, fs, wansing, yuan yuan, my school friends, and have to set time aside for birthday parties, for the making of my notebooks, and family time, since my mom's birthday is coming, and cny is coming, and recently, been going out with my brother to check out restaurants for his projects.

part there of.. this is my rough schedule every week , give or take.

lols...

man .. i really need to study !!! crap ;(

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

12:58 PM

random news flash:

i swear i'll wear my bikini next time i go swimming, :)

i need to start doing my crunches, stomach fat is horrible.. :(

not very obvious of course but obvious enough to make me steer off tight dresses.

:(

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12:55 PM

i'm on my work today

i think its quite interesting even as i pick up things to wear for work

for those who know me, i take pride in picking out things to wear.

today wore a tight bodycon dress with long cardigan.

haven wore dresses in a long time.

lols, i find that my style changes a little with the passing of each bf

haha !

good ??

so clearing out old stuff at the flea market, cross fingers! hope they clear fast!

so i've more money to go bangkok to buy stuff! $7 one dress, can you believe it ? and in singapore they're selling for 27 :(

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

10:48 PM

:)

i need to thank God for giving me the opportunity to achieve so much :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

on another random note:
i dun believe in not having something to say.
for eg, one of the " trials" i have faced while trying to stay in touch with wayne when we're still together.
sometimes i feel that when i ask him , how's your day, he wont have much to say.
sometimes i wont have much to say too when he asks me.
but actually when i stop to think about this.
so many things happen in one day.
lols, most of the time i wanted to say a lot of things, just that i know that he wont say a lot, thus, i dun feel like telling him a lot of things ... :(

perhaps cuz i was angry with him or something ..
sigh, i guess there's a lot of things i can learn to tolerate about wayne too .
if we ever had a chance again .. well, i dun know what will happen too, but this is one expermiment i'll like to try.

( note: i guess that's one of my mistakes. i never was good with differences in people. perhaps i'm too confident about my abilities and my own way of thinking and living that i " expect " others to conform to me in a way. just like wayne , i guess he never was someone who likes to express, not even half as much as me... lols, just small little things like that.

just like how we got together, i myself m more than ready for a serious relationship,even though it was a split second " love at first sight " leap, i ;m fully aware that if things work out, it might lead to marriage, i'm ok with everything, the pace, the structure. i was so confident things will turn out well. ( unlike my doomed second r/s)

but i missed out the fact that this is wayne's first r/s... just like the situation in which i tried going overseas without passport. for my third r/s, i was so preoccupied with getting myself ready, everything was perfect my side, i really never stopped to think that the problem might come from his side..i need to be more aware of this next time .

but one good thing i've learnt from this r/s , i've come out more confident of myself as a gf , as a female, in who i m, what i can achieve. and the random little good things about myself that i've never seen before, until i've seen them through wayne's eyes. i never thought i was reponsible, or that i could care for someone as much .i have to thank wayne for bringing that out .)

24 hrs, you cant be asleep for the whole duration unless you're ina coma.. even if you are slacking, you can describe the feel, the thoughts you had, the dreams you had.

sometimes i hate replying " oh my day is ok, how's yours ? " back , its so ... unfamiliar, like why m i so polite with my boyfriend? ok, ex now, so wells, that's what i was thinking .

lols, or maybe its just me ?? haha, i need to talk by nature.
doesnt mean i'm talkative, but i can say i'm quite expressive by nature. i find delight in sharing my thoughts, views, perceptions, emotions with my loved/closed ones, and find delight in hearing about how they view things also ... :(

in a nutshell, you can just say i like to talk.

i need someone whom i know i can talk to without feeling limited by him.

and who i know can share back with me too .
wa,listening to emo music now .. haha, better continue with my stats revision ...rar.. the subject which i love to hate most.
:(

exams please be over.. bangkok / norway trip please come.

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5:59 PM

ah ... bills bills and more bills..

just recieved my bills for my exoberent phone usage in france :(

totals $200++.. oh man...i've never used so much in entire life can!

usually its capped within $50

:( even when i was spamming messaged with liyan last time ...

wah sia..

but did my budgeting.. luckily can cover, with enough to spare to go HK in style, i'm bringing about $300 sgd over, should be enough for 5 days.

but also a little pleased.

as i look at my laptop and my room. 90% of the big purchases are made by myself ! ( not including the necessities, like bed, wardrobe and table of course :)

lols, i wonder which girl MY age can say that proudly. like hey i bought my own laptop.

i paid for my own paris trip, and i'm paying for my own trip to HK, Bangkok and norway this year.

and i have my own notebook business

plus i'm saving up for my braces.. maybe i should scrap that norway trip.. i really want nice teeth .

haha! its great feeling independent, but the bills sucks..

was up til quite late last night .

just lying on bed and thinking about things that had happened yesterday.

i'm seeing from a different perspective.

you know, i really feel its wayne's loss , lols, seriously, not just being proud or whatever.

one of my archilles heel is being too nice too people who matter to me, den that way i do open myself to more disadvantages.

i learnt something out of this r/s: its not always about you .

you have to see if the other party is giving as well.

its always a balanced r/s.

just to clarify not to say that wayne din do anything, he did do quite a lot, and i really appreciate his efforts. but i guess, they dun match .

our personalities just dun match .

and he's not willing to change. and i try too hard to change until i almost have emotional breakdown.. inner conflicts, the likes.

lols

so .. yep.

financially indepdent girl ..

i really want my braces ;(

for my 21st birthday, please give me a big angbao, i will dump it in my piggy bank and label it as braces fund..

if anyone knows of good and cheap braces, the whole package less than 3 k . please please PLEASE pass me the details ! will love you lots! .

i've been doing some checking, average is about 4 k :((

with 2k down payment... sucks...

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Monday, January 24, 2011

7:25 PM

ok, i've laid out all the cards.

the main reason why i'm even bothering to stay friends is because i hoped that we'll get back together.

when mainly its his commitment problem, that he doesnt want a relationship now.

which may be mainly due to me being emotional ( however, i dun feel secure in a r/s with him which is why i felt emotional? and yes i admit i'm sensitive, so sue me, i'm roxanne, this is who i m. i dun think i'm very overboard-ly sensitive, demanding, overbearing or clingy, i do take pains and efforts to make things easier for the bf because i know most guys have a limited tolerance for emotions and most guys freak out when girls cry/emo/sad/throw tantrum, and i do take pains and efforts to control my emotions, so whatever he sees, its only like at most 50-60 percent of the full force most of the times?? unless i'm really mad, or unless i'm having my period , but that's not the point )

so the ( over simplified ) solution is to stay as friends, keep in touch, and maybe next time we'll get back together.

what's this?

ok, i know i cant come up with a better solution .

but i really dun want to drag this anymore.

ok , maybe its working well for you wayne, but its not for me, because this is what you want, and this is not what i want.

you want your ex around, the comfort of a close dear friend, but without the commitment. i want us to be back together again .

please think, how will this work out ?

just as you have been adamant in your decision that no , i dun want a relationship, i've been thinking for a long time, i really cant see anyway in which i can be fulfilled by staying friends with you.

maybe not at this moment.

but i also know if we stop keeping in touch, we might never truly be close friends again.

so we get to do everything together, like a normal friend, but the feeling is still more than a normal friend.

but now what we have is without commitment. he can still go off with any girl he likes, and i cant feel jealous.

i can go off with any guy i like, and i KNOW that he wont feel jealous.

dear friends, arent you picking up something here?

i feel like i'm on the losing end.

for wayne, everything is perfectly alright.he has his ex as good close friend.

she's always around for him

someone comfortable.

he likes her, but no no no, not enough to be close with her.

not enough to be there for her.

whereas i'm like a fool, COMPENSATING MY NEED FOR MY BOYFRIEND WITH THE SUPPOSED FRIENDSHIP OF THE EX.

its unhealthy.

cat,tim, fengsoon. your should know best.

how i get so tensed up over the tiniest and normal convo from wayne.

a simple " how have you been " reduces me to tears,simply by the glaring fact that he's perfectly ok with just asking " how have you been" once in a while, and i'm struggling to deal with it. and i cant even tell him cuz he would go ; " i dun understand why you're taking it so hard " , " i dun understand why you are so emotional "

wayne, you may not understand why i'm so upset over this, and everything, but its ok. you dun need to understand. if you can understand, den its good for you .

i just want to be viewed as a girlfriend , not just a normal friend.

do you get it ?

and if you cant fulfill that, there's utterly no point in me staying around you anymore.

i'm really sorry.

because this is exactly what i want.

i want to return back to the days in which we're perfectly alright with one another. bf , gf, happy times, happy memories. you being silly, me being crazy.

perfect days. perfect period

if you're going to view me as a normal friend now, how will that change into something more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if you want to be normal friends, lets leave each other alone for 10 years, den even til then, i cant promise i'll be perfectly alright with you . cuz of all the past shared memories we had. you are you . you were my boyfriend

you are different from everyone else

and you always will be.

even if i've moved on.

you are still my ex.

its hard to treat you like a friend anymore.

even liyan, i haven had contact with him since sec 3, when we meet and talk, there's still this soft spot we share .

afterall, we did share some good times.

and til now, its still awkward with liyan .

but i hold a consolation in my heart.

i know you have always been good with keeping in touch with people

and i know you enjoy keeping in touch with all your old friends.

perhaps you will do so with me too

and perhaps you wont.

but i know i dun want to continue languishing in this friendship in which i know i cannot be a good friend. in which i cannot give my blessings to you in case you fall in love with someone else.

i hate feeling like i cant do without you .

and so since you have no need for me , as a gf, but only as a normal friend.

i'm sorry we must part.

dear friends, this is my ultimatium, i'm writing this out so you know what happens.

please dun ask me to retell everything again. i dun think i can stand it.

if i waver, and i come seeking solace from you, please help me to get back up on my feet again.

i really do want to move on .

with or without wayne.

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6:57 PM

oh yea, just let this be the new status quo.

i'm tired

so what if i'm distancing myself from you ?

so what if i'm not

its the same isnt it ?

things dun matter anymore

what if i decided not to have you back ?

just like that.

things are JUST LIKE THAT.

maybe we really cant be friends anymore

maybe i really cant be friends with my exes.
i never once did. i dun see how this time i can too.

i can already see how this thing will end.

grim mood..
and i'm still letting it carry on.

i'm tired. i'm not going to do anything anymore
not doing anything is also a choice

i'll just let it be.
let it drift.
let us just part with time erasing all our shared memories.

and one day he'll get attached to someone else, and i'll get attached to someone else.
and this whole farce ends.

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Sunday, January 23, 2011

9:32 PM

i wish that everytime i'm feeling inadequate, i can just wear my reddest , flowiest dress and dance without caring who's looking at me.

dance like no one's looking

live like i dun care

just do something crazy, lose my senses to the music

i just want to feel beautiful once again

dancing

-------------------------------

the day i move on, will be the day i pop champagne and dance til i drop.
:)

i dun need anyone to make me feel beautiful
i dun need attention from anyone to make me feel important

i dun need you
since you dun need me.

busy day!

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Saturday, January 22, 2011

2:28 PM

Yesterday was a very fruitful but tiring day! :)

woke up early, got my things together and headed over to bukit timah plaza to look at the primary school assessment books in anticipation of my first primary school tuition job

started hunting for sharyl's birthday goodies, din dare to get any chocolate stuff as she's allergic to them .couldnt get any cream or custard based cakes too as i'll be out the whole day without the fridge.

headed over to school, took the wrong bus ! kept mixing up which campus i'm having lessons at +.+

went to the library worked on my sociology essays, and headed to class.

class was alright, but the mood was intense. the last lesson of the year,we were issued with revision notes, and den we're pretty much on our own. i could see all the slackers starting to pick up pace. i had better do so too.

tuition was at 76 chun tin road, din know where that was so used google maps. was happy to find a direct bus 174 that leads me to the place.

din realised its just around signature park 4 stops away from my house!

however it was a bit ulu, still had to walk inside a bit

the kids were so naughty.

although wayne said tat its a slack job, i wouldnt classify it so.

was under quite some pressure working against the clock, and trying to get them to behave and listen to me ,and finish their hw !

there were 2 kids, one pri 3 and one pri 5, the younger is female whereas the older brother displayed all signs of a precocious schoolboy.

instead of imparting knowledge on how to do their fractions properly, was interrupted by endless rounds of "teacher teacher, i teach you how to make G2 gun!! " and " teacher teacher, i tell you joke! "

lols.. escapism. when i dragged him back to his problem sums, he will just give me a glazed look and keep nodding head as i explained. but after i do ,and i ask him you understand, he will shake his head and say, no, so hard ! i dun know how to do la, den proceed to on tv or eat food or whatever..

lols..

not slack ..

slack in academics, not slack in patience.

-----------------------------

was stressed cuz the younger sister kept getting distracted by my iphone, and keep saying that she wants to play godfinger O.o, in which the older brother will abandon his problem sum ( which he have concentrated on for a grand total of 5 seconds) to join his sister as she plays..

lols..

------------------------

was stressed too cuz the mom gave my a notebook and said i have to record every single thing we did inside, and the hw i gave them and how's their progress..

lols, how do i tell her, eh, madam, i cant control your kids, they dun even want to listen to me.

sounds lame right ?

-----------------------------

was stressed too cuz fengsoon was supposed to pick me up at 9.30 and it was already 10. yes i stayed an extra half hour without pay.. cuz they cant finish their things on time :( boo .. i need to come up with a better strategy for managing them .

--------------------------

all things was well though, left the house at 10.15 evntually, and fs came at about 10.30 due to late camp book out . proceeded over to aloya loyang to meet sharyl , passed her her present, hugged her a bit, grabbed a few bites here and there and left with fs for midnight movie .

went all the way back to PS for jack neo's the ghosts must be crazy.

i thought it was a comedy show, but its actually quite interesting !

and scary for me.

the show took place in two stories

the first story was about army platoon in camp training, and how someone died, and the usage of local lore was very strong which made it very real. it was quite scary as the soldier who died came back to haunt the seargant who refused to give him medical leave and light duty. the image of him looking normal den blood spurting out of his eyes and eyeballs rolling out was gruesome to the say the truth .. :(

fs was quite shocked, haha, i din tell him i din like horror shows, but its more fascinating than gruesome i guess. cuz its a very poignant and realistic play on local lore.

the second part i really like it . its about ghost marriages which i find really fascinating .

its directed by mark lee and i would give him credit for that :)

------------------------------

the movie started about 2 am, so by the time it ended it was about near four am. i still din feel like going home, so fs drove me to henderson wave

i must admit, a car is quite convenient :)

it was beautiful ! i din know such a nice breezy place existed in singapore.

the view was fantastic and the night breeze is great :)

quiet , dark and peaceful

good to contemplate about the busyness of the day and unwind.

fs really knows alot of such nice places eh!

we had went to kent ridge the other time where the view was also really good .

he said he'll bring me to jurong hill next time, ok ! sounds fun :)

though it was 5 am, the henderson bridge was still populated with a significant amount of people. there were quite a lot of couples sleeping there too .. weird.. lols, i did ask fs as we entered the carpark, how come 5 am still so many cars! den he was like : you go up den you'll know already lo. so weird!!!

people sleeping on a bridge ..

seems cold and uncomfortable.

-----------------------------

that will probably conclude my day, went home after that, reached home about 5 .45 am ??

lols :)

great day, a fantastic respite from my normative priorities :)

thanks for the great recommendation of movie, places to go at night, and the good company.

oh yea! was a bit crazy so was requesting fs to wind the windows down low and i reached over and blasted his soundtrack so loud ,

so AA! but hey its friday night !

and as the car went past , we're singing like mad at people staring at us . shiok :)

had never done that before, but its fun :)

on the way home faced a road block , and the police thought we were drunk, but let us go , cuz we weren't . my first road block ! always seen in cop shows and so on . lols i seem so amused by it .

i was half dead from fatigue by that time so was a bit more quiet ;)

yup so that concludes my day :)

hyper-reality

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

8:35 PM

Hyper reality - the phenomenon in which the represenataion of a constructed/ created reality is more real to you thn the thing itself.

TRUTH : WAYNE IS MORE REAL ON WHAT'S APP DEN IN REAL LIFE.

today has been like an out of body experience.
i woke at 1pm, laid in bed for a while .
got myself out of bed, ready for school.
passed two custom orders, got my $20 custom fee.
proceeded to the library, studied, ate lunch, studied some more, picked myself up and went home an night .

its like an out of body experience, cuz i literally felt soulless, just ruled by my logical mind. neither entrhralled or reluctant. just a i-have-to-finish-the-things-on-my-check-list kind of feeling .

sigh

i'm feeling quite lonely.
lonely not as in emotional sad lonely, in popular culture, lonely is such a bad word, linked with instability of emotions, crying, throwing tantrums, mood swings etc.

just pensive, thoughtful and lonely, even though i'm surrounded by people as i study.

this acute awareness of me , myself, living my life. all alone, as i wallked home.
there are people in my life , but still, no one can live my life for me, the most is they can live their life with me.

i think lots of people have goals, to earn their first million ,to get a certain lifestyle etc.
i have realised my goal.
its not to be independent , earn my first million, do anything .
i just want to find that someone who will live his life with me.
thats all.

i think if i have that, i'll be really satisfied, anything in life can happen to me, and i'm alright.

of course it'll be nice to be a career woman, to be recognized, accomplished and so on. but i cant deny that inside me there's still this little girl waiting to be loved.

ok.

i like the feeling of walking in my school at night, it does have a different feel to it.

haha, oh wait, or maybe its night time that i'm feeling like this.

whatever happened in my life is still a new reality, a situation that i'm not used to .
lots of people tell me to get a life, move on, stop being emo,
if i could i would, it hurts to be emo, it wastes energy, it wastes time. and in the end, its never ever really worth it to be emo.

though its true that i broke up on 17th of nov last year, the wound never really started to close til a few days ago. reason being, the paris trip, my feeling felt like it was on a hold. and den dec came and went, i enjoyed myself in paris, pretended i was attached, so that we wont be so awkward. den i started to have fun
and the days passed so quickly, before i knew it, i was on the inbound flight to singapore.
and i started to psyche myself for the bumpy landing.
the next few days was like in a dream, wake up den emo, emo den cry , cry den sleep .

sigh

wake up an emo so many times i dun know what's the situation anymore

OK , SO NOW I'M OK!

LIFE GOES ON
YEA, FML
SO WHAT
LIKE THAT LO

I THINK I'M NOT READY FOR A R/S ANYWAY.
BUT WHO CARES
I STILL WANT SOMEONE WHO EMBRACES ME FOR MY IMPERFECTIONS, CUZ HE'S IMPERFECT TOO.
I JUST DUN WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE ALONE.

LIKE A LITTLE GIRL
BUT I DUN CARE

I WILL NOT INTENTIONALLY WALLOW, BUT I WILL BE STRONGER .

BECAUSE THOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE I'VE BEEN SINGLE VERY LONG, MY HEART HAS ONLY ENUFF TIME TO START ACCEPTING THIS FACT RECENTLY CUZ MY EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN ON STANDBY FOR VERY LONG.

SO DUN WORRY ABOUT ME OK
I'M FINE, I'M REALLY REALLY FINE

NOT AS FINE AS I WANT TO BE, BUT I CAN GET BY. M STILL GOING TO EMO A LITTLE WHILE HERE AND THERE, BUT IT 'LL BE ALRIGHT .

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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

5:36 PM

today's a very bad hair day ...

i'm not satisfied with almost everything today.

perhaps its cuz i was sick this few days? perhaps i've not been sleeping well, perhaps my fringe and hair is lanky and horrible :(

need to do facial masks, complexion so bad.. i let myself go

need to lose a few pounds ..grrr.

------------------------------------------------------

I'm sure i'll find my fairytale soon. Its just not meant to be right now .
Good things are worth waiting for :)

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

12:26 AM

We're wrong, thats what's wrong.
If we aint meant to be, den i'd rather not have any memories of you
i'd rather never have met you .

less agony, less turmoil, less worry

-------------------------------------------------

how do you let go ?

my brain says yes, lets do it
but my heart doesnt want to

i thought i could, den at the slightest mention of him, my mood goes haywire.
either super emotional sad, or super freaking pissed and angry..

my logical side cant stem any of it at all..

i feel so conflicted i want to box something
kill something
squash something

die...

i dun understand why a mere human being can affect me the way he does
the thing is , he 's not affected at all

he asked me what's wrong

what's wrong ! snort

how the heck do you want me to tell you ?
can you understand?
can you help?

if not... go away..

My Baron

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Monday, January 17, 2011

8:27 PM

oh mannnnn!!

so happy :)

i jsut finished drawing Mr Whiskers the Baron, :)

totally awesome-ness, love it a lot ! cant bear to sell it off but its for a customized order ;(

oh wells

aint it pweety !!

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6:00 PM

i feel miserable for scolding you ...

just ...random burst of extreme anger

i feel like a bad person :(

you always seem to be able to bring out the most extreme sides of me ..

maybe thats y i'm so tired.. conflicts of emotions

i'm so tired now, and my flu and headache, sore throat, and whatever sheet sickness aint helping...

bloody mad.... haiz... still slogging my heart over notebooks....

i wish i can rest, but they've paid money, and there's a deadline ( need to give for presents ) ..

i feel like a poor artist struggling to earn that few dollars and work against deadlines

i would like a massage please..
tired :(

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5:41 PM

I wonder why you even bother to keep in touch ?

feeling so bitter now
everytime i reply you my wound tears again

when i remember how we used to be , and what we are now

its pathetic !

luckily this aint an ldr
because if i was in a r/s, and its in this pathetic state, i 'll feel like putting a bullet through myself, cuz the agony of loss is too terrible to bear.

have we dwindled down to asking about the weather ," recently very cold " , about " how's your day" and so on ? boring boring boring ...

i find you boring
yes i find you boring

i dun know what i want right now
but its not this
so freaking pissed and angsty...

i still want my boyfriend back, but yes, i'm moving on now.

i dun know why i've changed so much
i'm beginning to see you in a different light, more bad than good .
i dun know why i'm so riled up over a simple innocent convo of " how's your day today? " ..
feeling so selfish, thinking of myself , i've stopped thinking on your behalf,
whats the point ?
it'll just make me sadder.
if you dun want to be with me
just go away and let me heal

time, fatigue and busyness, please do your work , and let me forget what i want to forget.

drawing is my escape.

Finding back myself

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Saturday, January 15, 2011

2:56 AM

Recently there has been a lot of emo posts from me

yes, its about the ex again

yes, i seem obsessed over him

yes i think i m obsessed over him ( when he's not )
so m doing myself a big disfavour

lols, so i'm going to reinvent myself.

i dun know how this is going to work out, i dun know how long the process will take, but i hope i hang on til the end.

things upcoming :

1) flea market!
for those who do not know, i've taken a flea spot at SIM atrium ,9-11 th feb !
and in anticipation for that, i've made a whole series of handmade , hand drawn notebooks for sale!
my style is simplistically vintage
do go to my facebook wall for more pictures!!

2) tuition jobs
- i've decided to open myself up for tuition jobs,
cuz it pays better, and maybe i can leave sunflower ( i dun know if i bear to... i really love that place, not the people though )
the jobs should occupy me and prevent myself from thinking too much
-when i'm responsible for something, i'm really responsible til the end

3) exams
yea, big exams coming up in feb-march, and in may.. :(
need to start mugging

4) macau trip end 25th-1st march with yansin!

5) bangkok trip in july!
i 'm not going to care if wayne comes back during that time...
i hope so ..
i cant spend my life scheduling around him
he's not worth my efforts
we're not together now anyways..

6) in june, going to organize a 21st belated birthday party for myself
only celebrating in june cuz thats when cat, yuan yuan and wansing comes back from wherever they 're going to .

this shall be an exciting year because i will make it so

other fears i'm going to tackle:

1) salsa dancing ( i need to pick it up again! )
2) piano (need to pick up again! )
3) gaming ( side hobby to impress people , haha , esther was awesome at soul caliber ... )
4)driving lessons

I BELIEVE WHOLLY IN TWO THINGS NOW :

1) GET TOGETHER WITH ONE WHO LOVES YOU MADLY, AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND .

2) YOU MAKE YOUR OWN ACTIVITIES.

hoping for more good things to come .

2010 , i cant remember much of it.. just that the last few months were a spin ..if it was a delicacy, i would have tasted all the different tastes, all bundled in one dish .

its only the 15th day of the new year

i'm still on track :)

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2:39 AM

I wonder y i'm always a train wreck around you

when we're not together, my mind just goes in a frenzy

i wish i can just treat you like a normal friend, and then we'll start all over.

but i cant

is that it ? the end?

:(

perhaps we got together without knowing each other well..

regrets regrets regrets..

regret giving too much

regret doing so much for him
regret falling right over my feet and losing my head

regret being too dependent.

now ... the roxanne now, i cant even treat him like how i did when i first met him

perhaps if i could, there could be something ....

thats it isnt it ? every single thing/decision/though is all aimed at getting back together, when he already said no ,he' s not ready for a r/s, nor does he want one now.
like a desperate.
like a stupid
like an obsessed

sad :(

feel like beating myself up and crying inwardly.

without him in my life after the breakup i feel so lost, i have already given up so much of myself to him . when things happen to me, my fingers move subconsciously to the phone, to text him and tell him what i feel.

with him still in my life after the breakup, i feel desperate and stupid and clingy

stupid irritating conumdrum!

why did i fall in love with my best confidante ?
its so hard to tear him out of the picture, out of my brain, my heart, my soul

but i have to try..

attempt number dun know how many..

i hope this time it works..

resolutions ( part there of )

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Friday, January 07, 2011

12:00 AM

Hi all :)

its a new year and i've been thinking of some guidelines to improve myself

i endeavour to be :

1) more open
-to be more adventurous in terms of meeting new people, with sharing my life, in handling problems with others instead of worrying about things myself
( i admire people who can connect with utter strangers with a click of your fingers, while still with-holding your own privacy --friendly but not overly friendly )
-i will need this trait to network and be a better friend
-i will take up more challenges and leave my comfort zone

2) less hedonistic
-i aim to prioritize more
-to follow my brain more than my heart
-to finish up the things due me rather than procrastinating
-to focus on my goals ahead.

3) more crafty ( not that way!)
-to get in touch with my artistic side more
-aim to do more diy around my room, in giving of presents, in real life
- to think of creative solutions
-to go for fleas, or competitions, or anything that stimulates my artistic side

4) pick up piano again
-i shall pick things up once my exams are over and out of the way
-i aim to practice at least 2 times per week
-i shall aim for at least grade 5 competency

5) refocus my hobbies
-i'm now a jack of all trades, dabble a little here and a little there
-i shall focus on one hobby and go through with it
-be it start a business, learn salsa, learn foreign language etc..

6) save 20% of my monthly earnings..

-now this is a hard goal... :(
i'm not a good saver.

plans for this year :

1) start my own online business
( perhaps get terry to help design a decent website?)
-ask for help on livejournal ??
-need to draw out my business plans on what to sell, what to do, expansion plans ,ideas etc
-perhaps frequent flea markets :)

2) go macau and another country
-thinking of thailand
-or perhaps vietnam to visit sam
- somewhere where i can be inspired just like i have been going to paris, i'm bursting with creative juices and ideas now

3) minimum savings $1200 this year..

its not exhaustive, but this is all i can think of now .

i did think about my studies, but i do not want to stress myself , my aim is to do the best i can, while enjoying myself .

but that said, i'm aiming to be in the top 10 %
which is pretty darn hard now...
100 days left..

four more months to the big exams..

i better start clearing my doubts pronto!!!

reflection

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Thursday, January 06, 2011

11:53 PM

ok, on hind side, that person i was talking about in the earlier post ...

was FS .

i've a feeling he's just lonely.

Love me when you're ready, not when you're lonely

a good friend doesnt equate to a good girlfriend.

please get that right.

i've a feeling that he falls in and out of love fast, love is not just a feeling to me .

because after the feeling's gone, all that's left is a lingering affection for the person and commitment. and we will need that to get us through thick and thin.

if its just a game, a fad, there will be nothing left at all after the feeling's faded.

you feel comfortable with each other and you trust each other with your deep dark secrets.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he makes me feel as if he's very fragile.
i have to tread carefully around him,
like i cannot say certain things that hurt his ego or he will pout and get hurt and stuff like that...

lols, but half the time, he is setting himself up for it .
like purposely saying things that forces me to respond, and if i dun , he will get angry...

haha! he reminds me of myself, about 4-5 years ago :)

oh wells...

this sat ... :/

i was looking forward to it , and now i'm not really looking forward to it .

it will be awkward

you cant really have fun if you're watching what you say and do all the time.

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8:46 PM

if you like me , please do not make me mollycoddle you
.....

i will never fall for guys whom i have to molly coddle

i may sound mean, but there is nothing more irritating than having to take care of my boyfriend's life!

take care of him maybe, but not his life

i have my own life to take care of, thank you very much

i like my guys to know what they are doing .
i like my guys not to act cute with me , puh lease..

dun treat me like a flower vase, because that just makes you oh so shallow.

shall i pass you the babysitter's number then?

i am not a babysitter, nor m i in the mood for another r/s , so stop badgering me.

i may be too nice to say something nasty to you , but i've made myself quite clear, thank you very much .
i'm sure you can feel the change in tone in my voice, you're not stupid

rarrr!!

i have a bad temper :)