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Thursday, February 28, 2013

1:13 AM

whoa ,major walk down memory's lane,

had this major rift with Dennis just last year, about last quarter of the year ( i never told anyone about it )
 it was so bad that we broke up for a week

and i begged him to meet to talk after that week of cooling off
and you dun know Dennis,
he is pretty steadfast to his decisions once decided

and that was a REALLY crazy week yea,
just saw my blogposts and going whoa, that is something major, maybe i should re-read all those posts when i want to flare up for those inconsequential and stupid little things
hahaha

but things are alright now
they are really alright now
and i cant begin to be grateful for all the sacrifices we both made
and how far it is we've come, and i'm filled with optimism that things will get better ( as I grow more mature !  D - you know what i mean hahaha)

ok random emo-rant

goodnight :)

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1:07 AM

Had a movie night out with Cat today, and somehow we got to the heavy topics of our uncertain futures
here we are, two 23 year old girls, on the brink of another major life transition- the working life
the last semester of university- LAST TWO MONTHS
how quickly and relentlessly time flies

and for the first time, felt really afraid of the future
like who m i , what i'm going to do
how is the rest of my life going to pan out
is marriage really on the cards or is a distant future, ( that probable future is starting to accelerate towards me and i'm scared)
and all these random thoughts ,it just started hitting me all of a sudden

and the realization and acceptance that i'm not the perfect being that i want to be, never was, never will be.
i'll never be the prettiest , the smartest, the luckiest etc etc etc
i'll never be as tall as those models, wont have those crazy flawless skin, ( have this silly dry-on-the-surface-but-oily-inside-skin that casues me to break out when i'm heaty in the slightest)
wont have the best memory,
wont have the best grades

wont have the best smile ( due to my teeth)
wont have the largest and prettiest eyes ( cuz of my fold in lids and my original pupil size)

---------------------------SIDE-TRACK---------------------------------------

( i found several letters that i wrote to myself when i was young - if you meet me ask me to show you if you're curious! i wrote letters to my future self, with " strict instructions" to open it after a certain age.
and they all say the same old things. be pretty, be smart, be successful, be cool, be sociable ( i din have an easy school life- and din have much friends) , have flawless skin, pretty teeth, pretty hands( i used to scratch my fingers- still do that now but much much lesser-only when stressed haha)  nice legs ( i used to have these horribly scarred legs cuz i like picking scabs)- hahaha, if i could write a letter back to my young self,( about 9 years ? when i started developing a sense of self identity and spent countless hours thinking of who i want to be next time!) i would just give her a pat , and say, who you are , dun really change because of the age. you are the change. you change yourself, and the good point is, you can be anyone you like at any age. But i doubt the past me would understand because of her lack of experience ( and because of her stubborness- trust me i'm stubborn as a stupid old mule, once i have an idea, i'll cling to it like superglue), so i'll just let her continue writing her future letters for me to read now. hahaha
-anyway i turned out pretty alright now what :D

i'm pretty interesting ya? hahaha!  i'm curious, who writes future letters to yourself  huh ?
if i could write a letter to me when i'm 30 , it 'll be wishes that i'm very happy , living a peaceful happy life with ppl i love, surrounded by love, a job i love, 2 kids,a good husband and if marital bliss is not to be on my cards, just to be happy, and to BE AT PEACE WITH MYSELF)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

heck
i've been giving myself so much pressure
yea, i'm a vain pot if you've noticed most of the pressures are from external appearances
telling myself i cant do this, i cant do that, i must be this sculpted nice BRAINY quirky & smart model figure :(

true, life's like that, what i have i have
although i dun have a lot of things, i do have many blessings,
i should count my blessings
its a should.. cuz i cant fully grasp that feeling yet

perhaps its one of those things that come with age
that you start to accept yourself
accept that you're just another original girl , i'm just an above average girl, alright in all sorts
stop giving myself these unhealty pressures to be like the best
because i dun have the best criterias ( sadly speaking)

and that in itself, i hope that one day , i might feel like the happiest girl on earth, when i've fully learnt to appreciate my life
now its a definite no, i'm feeling like my life is wasted on me, cuz i can see nuts with this perfection praradigm that i'm unconsciously so obssessed with.

i want to be able to enjoy my life to my fullest now, instead of fretting over what it could have been better.
its almost a quarter of my life,

i need to start accepting and making use of what i have

该知足了，该放下了，该接受了
当个完美的人还不凡的累。。。

for the first time, i'm begining to see what Dennis sees when he talk to me about the future, how immature i m when i argue with him about emotions and stupid little things about " grand ideologies" , things like " i just feel like doing this " or " why cant things go my way"

feeling old as i type this
hahaha

starting to see a glimpse of the relaxed state
why fret so much, after all, with all my preparation and gan-chiong-ness, with Dennis here to advise me, i cant go too far wrong right ?

should start to learn to relax and enjoy the learning process, the process of being an adult
after all, only live once

acceptance ; keyword!




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Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

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I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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