A lethal tongue

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Friday, January 25, 2013

10:53 PM

time really passes , and its been such a long time since i blogged.
recently so much frustrations,
as you grow older, the significance of a " better new year" really fades
a new year is just another year.
time passes, fast at times, slow in another instance.

no matter how you feel, whether or not you are ready, or whatever baggage or regrets you're holding, time waits for no man

i'll be 23 this year, omigosh just crept up on me.
one moment you're at the peak of 21, happily revelling in adulthood, and the next you're crashing through the depths

if i sounded morose today that is cuz i am today.
this year, held more bad than good

m feeling so tired in my r/s lately.
all we do is fight, on my part, i've been very sensitive and jumpy to his words.
and when i'm riled up there's no holding back

all the evil words, the childish behaviour and petty stewing of anger prevails

sighs
i hate feeling like i'm being taken advantage of

its a baggage from childhood
i hate the feeling of being treated less than ' equal"  ( whatever benchmarks or standards i happened to use at the time things happened  )

its the same " why you ask me to do xxxx but never ask him/her to do it as well ? " kind of stupid question. Really dislike myself when i behave like that


why roxanne why ?
i used to think i could change whenever i wanted, just like a quick " snap" of a finger,almost instantaneous.

used to believe a lot in self improv, as long as i work hard towards it, i will reach it one day right ?

not as sure now, maybe i'm jaded from working so hard all the time, within myself, not telling anyone. why m i so harsh on myself, beating myself up inside everytime i do wrong, or even when things just dun go the way i want it to go just because.
i tell myself its because i'm a perfectionist
maybe now i've realized, i'm just a close minded and extremely idealistic girl

wake up woman ! i cant doubt it, its getting harder and harder to change, or maybe that's cuz i give myself a lot of excuses.

whatever it is, i think ,through this monologue with myself here, its very obvious there's a constant battle within myself all the time.

i sincerely hope the good side will win for my own and for others sakes.
by saying that, i hope i wont be giving off the impression that i'll just leave everything up to fate, i'll still work at becoming a " better " person, first of all my temper .

i really hope i can let go of my bagagge, no one's hunting me now, no one seriously hates me now. ppl think i'm outgoing and bubbly but sometimes i think thats cuz i cant stand the silence between us. i'd rather wax lyrical about silly pitter patter than to let silence fall between me and the other party.

because of all this preconceived fears, i end up acting like a bloody , socially inept and awkward fool

ok, so no one is bullying me, only myself.
stop being so harsh on you , girl!
since when has it been that you've truly relaxed....
Dennis asked me that question.. i found that i cant answer.

i've become a ball of nerves.

its not a happy post, i've had tons of good time to be fair, but lately , esp this year, its been a crazy roller coaster.

and i'm starting to feel life sliding downwards, which i know is silly, i'm all of 22+, good things will come.
i just need to.. let go of myself
really

so stressed, so tensed, like a train going to derail, gonna go crazy soon.
have to stop talking to myself
least of all negative things

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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