fears
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
2:47 PM
peelable smiles~surrounded by many things, yet i have little
i've tasted lonliless
i dun wanna go back to b4
carn bring myself to be happy
under dis undiscardable plastic mask
afraid of wat others will think
afraid of wat i may do wrong
threathens to kick me back to last year
i dun wan to lose myself
which i dun even noe
i just hear a tiny voice
telling me my fears
i'm scared
i'm afraid of being unloved
abhor myself
carn trust God
i noe he loves me
but do i really believe so?
i'm confused..
carn trust myself
find myself trying to measure my success by these pathetic evidence
a slap in my face
wat have i degraded myself to?
the bag of presents only serve to make me more conscious
" "trophies" to show i'm loved "
materials to build that plastic mask i own
grappling wif myself
pathetic really
i 'm not sure of anything anymore
probably e results of my crumbling realtionship wif God
pathetic really
wat to do?
:(
my birthday
2:23 PM
finallymy birthday is here once again..
its not a happy day, which is y i started mass smsing to ppl wishing them a happy day. strange, there's no reason for me to be morose, cuz a miracle in the form of a quiksilver wallet came.dun really use branded goods but m really surprised and delighted by dis gift for well, some personal reasons :D thanks and hugs to all those hu took notice of my bday and bothered wif gifts...<3xdxd>
all in all, should be happy, but was not. i tidied around my room and "unearthed" a box of highlighters tt my dad once gave to me for my birthday last year, how time flies, how fast things change,felt really strange tt he's not here on my supposedly sweet 16...felt miserable.
but many thanks to my auntie, she has been coming over to my house daily ever since dad left, so its still "5" ppl and not 4. brought me out to pizza hut's just like dad would do if he was here, so its not so bad :)
she also ordered a pandan and strawberrry cake for me, but too much cream, almost died under them..grin..thanks xiao yi!
ya, i stayed behind today, to talk to some juniors hu r gg for e choir interview for choir commitee, but felt really detached and extra, probably cuz i'm gonna graduate soon. plus, felt a bit confused abt how to approach them, they all seemed more worldly wise and maturer than they were when i first saw them...they were like on the same platform as me, but talking about things in IP i'll never know. felt really lonely.the effect of passing time or maybe its just me.shrug.
wat r presents?they're merely evidence that someone cares abt u?y do i c lots of ppl requesting for watever on their birthday? shouldnt it be a token from the heart of the giver? tts y i dun really like ppl asking me wat i want, i'll always be stunned, cuz none of the things i sorely want is physical, or is impossible to achieve.
since i'm not happy, my only wish is for others to be happy on my birthday, at least on my birthday, tt is wat i want.
felt really old and burden ridden, my only consolation is that God is beside me always.
sweet sixteen...
an old wives tale
an over used phrase,its not in my dictionary at least...
....happy birthday to junjie and siyuan, 2 special ppl hu also have their bday today.wish ur happiness today...nah, i noe ur will sure enjoy urself thoroughly:D
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
12:45 PM
had sec1 orientation today, it was rather interesting. esp the prizes.haha.a balloon with an umbrella-like stick of strawberry flavoured candy.nice.the games were something like a warped version of da feng chiu and normal charades. but it kinda served its purposes, dun find the sec1s so "unfamiliar" animore.whether its a good thing i dun noe(:its supposed to be hols, but it seems kinda like a working from home experience, really zoned out. no time to do stuff i wan. and no time to go out too.
dunno, i started a vow to God to, shadnt say wat its abt(:p)
supposed to curb one of my undesirable addiction..hiaz..
i feel i'm really slacking, and is tending to build more and more masks.i did many things with some sorta motive in my mind, tts bad, i'm trying to stop dis. hope i can succeed.
in choir, supposed to choose SLs and president etc, another sign tt i'm ageing..and nearing O lvls! i think i'll choose cass even tho ppl seem to like veron. v's nice, tts the problem some times, she's too nice and carn stand up and initiate stuff. that's my own opinion la, it does not mean that sh doesnt have leadership abilities or watever, just prefers cass.
i'm refraining from writing too much on the internet lately, i'm afraid it'll be another flawless ,"perfect" and politically correct blog, and not one that reflects wat i think. again, i do things with motive, so i'm trying not to write too much.
old habits die hard
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
2:53 PM
old habits die hard. i did something that caused me to dread that the old me is popping up again...and today was really fustrated...until i was shocked by the sudden revelation of the reasons behind my fustrations. i'm a really competitive person. i'm trying to change that, for good or for worse, maybe its the reason that forced me to constantly propell myself towards the cream of the crops in PSLE, in achieving everything i can...this is getting way out of hand. i blew up when i found out i flunked an NE quiz.found the old feeling boiling inside me once again. y m i like this? i lied a number of times to cover up my weaknesses, my inferiority, my marks, my interests...i'm like living a humongous lie. to the extent that i've started to believe in my own lies.i feel like crying.
there's a lot of things i'll like to do all over if given the chance..
regrets....isnt it just a word invented to sum up all those messy feelings, so that it'll make u feel better..to decieve urself...
i dun want that...
yet, i lied again today.
and i did something i havent done in a long time
that stirred up those unexplainable feelings again.
living reality like a dream...how pathetic
sobb
i know i'm indulging myself, allowing myself to feel sad to be hurt to be lied to , BY MYSELF.
i'm not hu u see
i'm not hu i act
i'm not hu i think i m
hu m i?
hypocritical.
shameless
scheming
calculative
hao chi lan zhuo
this is one of those down and self criticising moments...
its all my fault..
just cant do anything
no niche, no nothing
helplessness ebbing in
or is it a choice to let it ebb in?
maybe its preventable
maybe
God is with me
Monday, March 06, 2006
7:28 AM
by scary concidence(or preplanned by God), the sermon today was abt how to make the best of everything, how to stay happy...i feel that its God telling me to cheer up....the main points were to think happy, say optimisitc things(bulid ppl up, not tear them down) and be an optimistist. ya, we had holy communion today, as its the first week of March. den the elders were lined up in a line to pass out the wafers and the wine. my dad's place in the line was vacated. i dun noe y, i started crying, then i forced myself to remember the sermon and ask God to help me be sober and controlled abt this. God took my dad home, maybe he had other tasks he wanted dad to do in heaven and that his work on earth have ended. its a pity tho, my dad's lifelong wishes to be a preacher came to an end when he went home...guess its not in God's plan to let dad be a preacher..i found out that before dad got admitted into hospital, he approached the praise group and asked them to let me join as soon as i come of age...it shocked me. i've always thought of him to be very religious and unobservant of our family affairs..guess i'm wrong again...he did a lot of things for me "behind my back". and he knew of my passion for singing thats y he approached the group, so i can sing and play piano and serve God better...
i realise that i actually start to understand Dad better now that he's home. maybe that's because he's not with me le. maybe thats y i'm more "understanding" and sentimental...haiz...his memories linger.his presence very heavy. i just hope i wont disappoint myself if i dun meet his standards due to my dreaded and hated habit of procrastination. i cant drag myslf to study, increasingly, i started immersing myself in religion. i've started reading Da vinci code. with the explanation of course...this caused me to think abt some verse in Revelation. something abt false prophets and testimonies claiming to be the real christianity. i dun blame the ppl hu's faith were seriously altered by all these, cuz now that i read the explanation, i need to reread to slowly absorb the hard core evidence denouncing some bizarre facts like "jesus's marriage" no matter how warped and crazy i have to convince myself it is. so its very easy and dangerous to fall in the pit of deception and false truth.
the world have started to get corrupted.
dangerous ...
i yearn to go heaven even more.
i wont miss earthly possesions.
i think i'm ready if God calls me.
which is good.
:D
in youth choir, we sang "rise up" and "my jesus, i love thee". and den i went down to the chapel to collect my prasie group gown. its a blue robe that resembles a maternity dress with a blue detachble collar.my probation period of two months is up, and i'm officially in the praise group! i can serve God on a higher level and m naturally estatic about this rare oppurtunity...if my dad was here to see me..i used to oppose all sorts of tuanqi, service and sunday schools due to some horrible events in my past. but now, i feel so free so peaceful...dad used to persuade me to join some form of service and we would fight for long periods, and i'd always refuse him flatly in the end...of course, i didnt believe in christianity and join services in memory of my dad or anything like that...i just wished my dad could be here to see me, to feel proud of me. his daughter..
never mind abt that, it'll just evoke tears and buried feelings
i've came to a conclusion, instead of looking for "concern" from ppl. i shall be the one hu initiate "concern". it'll be better like that. more love in the world.
study, increasingly becoming a hated chore, but everyone have to experience it in varying degree,i should be glad God gave me the chance to climb this high..dun look up, dun look down and compare..look on ur level and do ur best, before u have realised, u're on the next level. that shall be my encouraging phrase to myself and to others too. next obstacle: acing o levels...like i promised dad.
freaking
Sunday, March 05, 2006
11:45 AM
i've started reading a series of books called the keys to the kingdom, which invloves time travel and lots of altenative dimensions. lately, i'm so freaking pissed off with everybody and everyone, cant seem to get in touch with God or my self, day after day, stressed and mundane rountines, deadlines and fustrated temper tantrums..i have more and more work and less and less time to myself, even when i'm free, my mind is not. and my mom constantly reminds me the benefit of getting good grades, blah blah now that dad is gone....little pleases me easily nowadays...i just wish for more time to myself, and concern from others to show my existence on earth is not in vain. i'm weak. stressed..self condemnation? the concern i want is not repeitive naggings and coercive commands...i dun really know wat i want or wishes...just rushing from one day to the other..with no time for rest..even when i rest..i'm tired...God seems so far somehow...my realtionship is drifting, breaking and dulling...maybe thats y i feel stressed and tired lately...it shows...i dun believe in saying vulgar language, but i've just used it subconsiously...hiaz...i really need God los, think i'm the one hu's walking backwards from him....i wish my dad was here...i keep dreaming of him for so many nights..just recently, yesterday night..the whole family moved to a place called riverplace..near a major river..i still can remember the layout of the interiors and Dad walking around showing me the rooms...i guess this is not a good sign...:(
Toh Wan Qin Roxanne
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profile
I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.
I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.
I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.
I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.
I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.
It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.
75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness
Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.
I am random and fickle like the wind.
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