pre tour post

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Monday, May 26, 2008

12:21 PM

today's the day of the "long awaited" festa choralis tour

strangely i dun feel much happiness now
just rather stone
my luggage's half packed,
i'm going to finish it soon

thinking about sch work
i'm totally in a stone mood
dun feel like touching anything
such a holiday mood
yet i know when i come back
it'll be a mad rush for everything..
i dun wan to leave..
i will miss yan..
sighs..

miss my family, my room,
i dun want to bunk and live and eat with choir people..
i feel small and foreign..

or maybe its just my mood
my mood swings are getting worse these days..

pre tour post..
i'm really excited abt taking pictures tho
really really really excited..
thats all
i know i should be focusing on my music..

and plus i think i'm getting sick..

cookies for someone

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Sunday, May 18, 2008

10:56 PM

cookies for someone

i did put quite some work into it..

oatmeal and choco chip :)
its super hard to mx cuz the chips and oat pieces keep falling out.

bad feelings, sweeney todd, and lonliness

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

9:04 PM

feel so much like crying,
nthg ever goes right, it seems that when u're down, u made bad choices and decisions, and they keep coming back to haunt u...
i've so much on my mind now
tour in 11 days.
yan and me stagnant so painfully...( its really painful breaking and staying in touch)
but i dare not remove him from my life.i'm scared i'll regret soon.

is it even possible to love (care for someone) while not being able to tolerate and stand his temper mentality ?
its wrong wrong wrong in the first place.


i wonder what i'm doing here Lord..

friends, do i have any really close ones?
it feels like, when i scroll down my contact list.
i see no one i can cry to
and who will comfort me.

now when i need it most.
and so i turned back to him.
makes it harder to sever ties.
dumb dumb...

what to do?
why do ppl give me such hostile faces?
what did i do wrong?
why is history repeating?
how can i be a good leader?
how can i pull up my grades?
y do u alienate me?
is it my fault to be different? m i very mean unknowingly?


my brother bought me a sweeney todd dvd,
an ex one.
family ties are still the closest ..
still i yearn...more intimate ties with ppl.
my family will always be my family.
and i love them for that..

thanks bro..





random rants on paper...
only my drawings comfort my hysterical soul in school.
(drawn with sheryl's colour pens)


mr diddy dums, who accompanies me through my break up.
(after some touch up)

(his original look :) )



random sight i saw one day outside my window, thats super dangerous man..

schizophrenic attack

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Sunday, May 11, 2008

10:16 PM

recently broke up
only about 2 /3 days ago

not crying much,(though stoning and staring into space alot)
not crying much because this breaking has been so delayed, that it really feels necessary.

i still care for him a lot, still miss him alot
but not now.
i know i do not want to get back together, (though in my moodier and crying moments, i'll wish so)
at least not now.

i feel i'm quite schizophrenic
this break is like a breather,
1) i can focus on studies(finally)
2) i can ascertain my own identity
its like when u're attached u start giving up individual activity for couply activities.

i feel like i'm 2 ppl sometimes.
my wardrobe is full of (not really revealing) but tanks and stuff
yet i'll only dare to wear them in the privacy of my room.
i dare not step out in them.
cuz i think i have a mature face, wont look nice, plus my short hair with skimpy tanks, and mature long face, dun hit off too well i think.

an plus i feel exposed, i'm quite conservative actually.
so now i wanna wear something more youthful (like tanks and minis) but i wont wear them, and will always wear something else to cover.

also, in my r/s, i wanna be a little woman sometimes, its nice being pampered and feeling like an inexperienced schgirl, but my feminist side takes over, and i might suddenly feel very confused over how i should act. like puh lease, i can open doors myself and stuff.
maybe thats y i keep sending mixed signals across to him.
i dun even know myself.
its irritating.

i wish i knew myself more, what i want , what i like etc.

also sometimes, i might feel more sacrificial and understanding ,and other times, i'll be so convinced that i must fight for my own happiness, not happy means too bad, off u go.
but lols, after i've made a so called decision, i'll suddenly have like this paradigm shift of how i perceive things, den suddenly go to the other extreme, and call off the decision.

i wish i could be more deicisive, and understand myself better.

so a breather for now
really tired.
the fighting and petty arguments go on forever.
here's a sample.
6/5/08
patch up, he came to see me.
7/5/08
fight on msn
vowed not to talk for 2 weeks
9/5/08
fight more on msn
den broke up

quite drama mama, when i read through the past convos,
i'm really tired of these r/s for now
i just wanna sleep, eat, study, take exams, and hiong for my sgc.

but its nice still depending on him a little.
we're still staying good friends'
but i know i will be toeing the line, for i'm sure i have accumulated enough warning feelings to backtrack if my emotions move too far.

he does have a horrible temper, and i've a shrewd and sharp tongue.
a perfect remedy for a neverending fight.
oh yeah, and we both have HUGE egos for the record.

lols

so yeah, break time.
for now, my head hurts too much to think.

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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