toh is depressed

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Saturday, October 18, 2008

2:43 PM

i'm depressed..

i'm losing hope

suddenly i dun care abt a lot of things
m fearful of a lot of things.

i need help


but i have to pretend i'm ok..


i wasnt like this a few days ago..
what hit me?
a few days ago i could still chat and spend time with others til 10 plus like it was the most normal thing on earth.

what a far cry

last year i couldnt talk to ppl til 8 w/o feeling beat..

scrap that...
scrap scrap scrap..

the A's is coming who will give a damn abt me>

i rmb someone told me damn is a rude word, but i cant rmb what it stands for..

i'm forgetting so many things these days.

throw out the mirror

let it rot

i never want to look at my own reflection again...


it reminds me of so many painful things.

stirs up so many insecurities.


i hate my reflection

i hate myself..
go away go away.

how did i become from too many friends, back to none now?

is it just my perception, because a few days ago, i din care/
all i wanted is ppl to accomapany me.

maybe they got sick of me

maybe i think to much.

shut it

go and mug ur head off..

but even now.. i dun dare to go outside to mug..
at home, i feel so pathetic..

so much things undone.
so much committments.


and so Toh escapes again..

haven done this in a long time

wriggling out of something i'd promised beforehand because i just cant go out..

just din feel happy
just cant let others see me...
crapcrap crap...

;'(



someone told me before..
the only person that is stopping me is myself..

i wanna break out of this crysalis..
i tot i did, but i'm back in again...
i'm gonna smash it down..

God seems really far away..
or should i put it this way.
he's always there, but i'm drifting.

help


i hope i'm just pmsing...hope this will pass

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

12:24 AM

photofunia.com
try it!


me

dearest daddy, u'll always be missed :( i stil yearn to see ur smile again.


mummy


charming brother


savvy sis


nice natasha


charming brother 2


the 3 muskeeeters :)

confused

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Saturday, October 11, 2008

8:47 PM

i'm feeling aimless and lost

study study
buy clothes buy clothes.
make friend make friends.

what is the point of it all?

in recent days, m feeling this sense of awareness, back to square one, the same feeling that i felt in rv, when i made new friends,i'm really scared of losing them.

what is this phenoma called n psychological terms? something abt the more fear u have for something, the more u will lose..


i read this article about ppl gaining satisfaction from pleasing others and being accepted.

i guess i fall into this category..
sighs, i better do something abt it.

i wish i can do away with the fear i feel around adi, ch, nat, and stacy.

its like i'm on tetherhooks, any "false moves" or " stray words" so called, will cast me into the proverbial cold palace.

i bought this threadless tee, cuz nat wanted to find ppl to share shipping.
i dun feel like, but i din mind, and plus this is a sort of belonging activity, so i bought.
stupid right?
not the buying of the tee, but the motive behind it.

its kinda pathetic.
i shouldnt feel compelled to say yes, because i worry that my friendship cant withstand the purchase of a tee shirt. :(

i dun have faith in myself.

i dun believe stacy is my friend..

and another article says i should stop taking things too personally.

stacy might have a diff reason for behaving like this today.

sighs,

for the upteenth time.. I'M NOT GONNA LET OTHER PPL AFFECT MY FEELINGS!

right, easier said than done.

rars..

the last day of school

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Friday, October 10, 2008

1:26 AM

today was the last day of school, it was less an emo affair den i had expected.

one of the biggest regret is not being able to unite the class as well as other classes..

i've learnt alot from my stint in ac, learnt the social norms, learnt to stand on my own two feet,learnt how to press on , and give even if there's no respite in sight.
i've learnt that ppl come in all sorts of annoying and irritating packages,and that they have lovable sides too.

i've learnt that no matter how rich ppl are, they are still my friends deep down. no matter whose son or daughter they may be, no matter how famous they are outside, they are human beings, not someone distant in a magazine cover.
i've also learnt that doing what is right takes a lot of willpower, and that i can believe in myself( although i have yet to find a way to do it)

more importantly, i'm starting to grasp the power of laughter, the ability to laugh at oneself, pull urself up with dignity, and not let snide remarks get to u.
m still working on that, but at least its a start.

and i can happily say, my 2 years in ac were my happiest so far in my whole life.

and i look forward to uni days with trepidation.
how i wish i could stay in ac forever.

i'm changing and i'm happy.
liyan's taught me plenty as well :)

bouncing back from the storms.
is not as heartwrenching as it may seem
because God promises a rainbow is on the way.

going mad

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Sunday, October 05, 2008

1:11 PM

some one once said to me ,when i excitedly told them about my plans to open a shop after A levels, dun let these things cloud your head. how true

and i'm going to be doing that in 5 weeks time

28 days exactly to a levels , what i'm doing?

i'll tell u, i went on ebay, and bidded on 10 dresses.
for resale, they were classic pieces, things that u can wear to work den pull off in a pub,or some swanky gathering.

but, my sister said they looked boring.. worried that they wont sell.

worried abt me not worrying abt a levels, and doing trivial stuff like that.

i bidded on them cuz they were going to end soon, and i'm scared that i wont see some good stuff like that again after A's..

some girl opened this plushies store too, she had really good craftmans-ship skills, not sure whether my shop will be welcomed.

rar, already sunk the money in, have to continue. if its successful, might earn more den 100 per cent what paid. i've already said the prices of the dresses are dirt cheap.. i mean, its a gurantee i'll earn something right? (i hope the material of the cloth is as good as bandied about online.

mum says its all bound to be a scam

not sure not sure..

and i SHOULDNT be fretting abt rubbish like this..

so i'll just pay the 70 dollars and lock my com up forever., the com is really dangerous to me..

rar...
stressed , for the freaking wrong thing..
gonna lock myself in sch and mug like sheet from monday onwards..


i had better.. i'm going mad..
sutdy study study...

a levels gonna come and go, what matters is what i do with the time leading up to it . now! focus on the present!

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12:51 AM

I NEED SOME CONFIDENCE!

WHERE CAN I GET SOME?




What will this day be like?
I wonder
What will my future be?
I wonder
It could be so exciting
To be out in the world
To be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh whats the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
Now here i'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared?

Captain with seven children
Whats so fearsome about that?

Oh I must stop all these doubts
All these worries
If I don't i just know i'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me! So!

Let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence
They'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see
I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children
Heaven bless them
They will look up to me
And mind me

With each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides what you see I have confidence in me!

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumber
When you wake up
Wake up! It's healthy!

All I trust
I give my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence
In confidence alone

Spoken:
Oh help

I have confidence in confidence alone!
Besides Which you see I have confidence
In me!!!!!!!!!!!!


tired... wasting my time away...

i'm extremely worried that i'm not worried abt exams...
i feel like i'm in a holiday mood, drifting around...
28 plus days day to A's.
and i'm smiling here?

something's wrong

study, gal!

the thing is late.. feel so tired these days..

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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