i din mean to hurt anyone

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Saturday, November 29, 2008

3:13 AM

i dun mean to hurt anyone.
like i said in my previous post, i felt petty, it was a petty matter, and yet it affected me.
i talked abt being cool so i wont be affected, but that means i'm already affected.
i still cant get over him properly.

perhaps with time i will.
its just that seeing him face to face brings back all the insecurity and the pain and everything, and i had to stop myself from staring into is face. :(
felt bad..

i blog to forget things.

after i blog abt them, i stop thinking about them, it helps me to remain sane somehow :)

i have no wish to offend anyone, and all these are my own feelings and opinions, if they have offended anyone, remember that everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings and opinions, and usually opinions and feelings are as good as rotten eggs, cuz everyone believes in his or her own views.

and all the contents on this blog, have been carefully sifted to make sure they dun contain inflammatory stuff.
other den that, what's left is what i truly feel.

and L, its fine:)
i enjoyed my chalet.
it was fantastic cuz God stepped in, i believe meeting u that day has helped me become a stronger person somehow.
and i actually thank u for it.

we're still friends.
i sincerely hope that i can overcome this psychological barrier so that we can talk face to face someday without any emotional upheaval on my part

i'm sorry about telling u that u could come
i tot i could handle it, and now i know i've overestimated my healing capabilities.

stay happy and keep in touch. God bless, in ur dire situations, God cares, and God is there, whether u feel it or not :)

good night.

chalet 08

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Friday, November 28, 2008

10:55 AM

on 25th -27th nov

i organized a chalet at costa sands sentosa, needless to say, less den half the class came. i never had a time in which the whole class turned up.
weiyong, mark, ,geokwoon was overseas.

the ppl who came was: zheqian, honyang, jianda, hao yu, zhengting, moses, chris, pris, eewen, yongxin, carey, karen.

on the first day, supposed to meet outside food republic at vivo at 11.30. in the end, everyone ( me, hao yu, jian da, eewen, yong xin and zhengting) met at about 12 plus instead. went for lunch at food republic before going downstairs to shop for toothpaste, cup noodles and what nots. i bought my shawl at giant as well, 4 dollars only! what a steal :)
went to check in, settled everything down.
the room is so small, luckily the beds consist of one hard backing at the bottom and one mattress on top, so we pulled out all four pieces to act as beds later.
played risk with the girls and the guys, since there were 6 of us initially.
i trumped hao yu with my first try :)
beginner's luck, which ran out really fast.
soon, ppl started coming.
the worse that happened that day was the arrival of l.
i never expected him to come all the way to sentosa to find me. esp since he hasn't contacted me for uber long. sent a shockwave careening through me.
i m super thankful to God that he called during chalet.
i dun think i can stomach meeting him in one of our usual places, aka west mall and the swimming pool or wherever. he should also be glad that i'm in chalet, because i'm with everyone, gave me the courage to meet him

but i needn't have worried so much since he din notice the state i'm in at all.
i guess he's always been rather insensitive.
he told me abt how his life recently was and the things that had troubled him. i was just , hmmm, hmmmm all the way, i listened , but that's all i did mostly. i kept using this monotonous voice so as to calm myself and not to think about other stuff.

i dun wan to get affected since i'm in chalet, and i'm supposed to relax.
i still dun get how he gets over things so fast.
anyways, i'm absolute we'll never get back together again, so i'm fine.
when i called him back regarding his missed call in the chalet, all of them knew that he was coming. was very glad for the support they gave me,esp eewen

the last straw was when he told me that now he realised that friends are impt and stuff, and that he shouldnt have placed work over meetings with me just when we broke.
something tore inside, and it took very long to stitch that back later that day.

i walked him a short distance before i cant tahan anymore, and without a backward glance, i told him bye, i just wanted to get out of there.
i stopped seeing his face in my mind anymore, and seeing him face to face was like rar..
and i just felt really angry after he left.
he was a very practical guy.
if i was sad and crying, his lessons come first, if i was trapped and lonely somewhere, if its too far away, he wont come over.
i'm not lamblasting him or whatever, that is just the sort of guy he is.very practical.

i dun know, and now, because he has some things that are bothering him, he came all the way from singapore to sentosa to find me so that he could talk?
i dun mind listening to him, but i guess that shows where i stand last time.
that i'm not too impt for him to make such trips?

i felt really petty, so i called shaun and ranted to him.
i din wan to cry, but the tears just kept flowing, luckily my class chose to play frisbee and volleyball just outside a pavillion where there are stacks of white plastic chairs. i proceeded to hide behind them and cried like mad.
i felt bad for shaun, that he felt helpless, cuz i could tell he wanted to help, but dun know what to do.
and also i felt bad, cuz he was researching with linus in the library and i "dragged" him out so that he can talk to me.
also i felt angry with myself for letting another guy see this weak side of me.
after L, i vowed that i would change myself, never letting anyone get close to me. so that i'll be the bubbly happy girl in their memories.
i vowed that i will be brave and do everything myself if no one wants to do it with me.
i vowed never to cry over him again.
sadly they're all broken on the 25th.

sorry shaun, thats y i m so sad .
sorry to have made u feel helpless and confused.

thanks for not hanging up and hearing me cry, that was enuff to stop me from crying.
so after a while, i wiped my tears, and sat on the steps of the pavilion enjoying the breeze. the sunset that day was magnificient and i felt i'm one with nature.

i followed the guys back to the chalet.
by that time, the girls had all gone back to bathe and the guys were left playing frisbee.
one thing i like abt the guys in my class is, they're nice typical guys, and if they knew something was wrong with me just now, they din show it at all, thats just what i needed to help me connect back with reality and forget abt the showing of my weakness.

i dun wan to show my weakness to others.
and i'm really regretful i showed that side of my to shaun, now i keep feeling so deja vu all over, like it might turn out the way it did with L.
thats y i dun wanna get close to ppl anymore.
that way i will appear strong and cool.

i know its never a longterm solution..
but i've yet to marry the showing of weakness and to stop myself from being weak .

its like a child living in the jungle. , say he got missing, he fell down, got bitten, got posioned whatever, if he was lost from his kinsman, he might cry and feel sad, but the defense mechanism kicks in and he stops, because he's all by himself, and he must do something by himself or die probably.

if his mother was near, he would cry and wail for attention for he knows that would bring him care and attention.

i dun want to be pampered and taken care of.
i wan to fly and become independent , become my own woman, different from all the other ppl.
thats y i told him not to be too nice to me.

i'm a complex girl.
and shaun is a complex guy, ok not really.
thing is we've both huge baggages, hence we can still talk to each other.
me i'm trying not to let ppl get too near to me, and him trying to get close to ppl, trying to be more sensitive.

haha, i found it quite interesting actually.

i'm weird , i know, haha, transititon period, at least i can be happy knowing that i know myself, at least i know i'm trying and discovering myself everyday.

so we went back and bathed and everyone went to koufu at palawan beach.
after dinner we played R-O-C-K rock, which is similar to concentration , only we had to name related things to a given theme while clapping in a specific rhythmn. at any moment anyone could change the theme, so its really funny, haoyu was trying to change themes, and he announce the theme was names of moons, that was rather anticlimax and everyone laughed their heads off.
and during the haristyle theme, zhengting exclaimed, explosion, which prompted another round of "explosive" laughter.
i think he meant afro hairstyle

after this game, zheqian came, it was abt 11 at that time, and all the shops were closed, except the beach bars and all. we continued to play charades which was very entertaining as well, since words like obama and sarah palin and even barrier tunneling popped up XD

we trooped back to chalet and started the huge makeover of our room.
it was so funny, all the guys hoisting the mattresses and the duvets off the floor, while the girls scoot around dumping the bags into the wardrobe, and pushing furniture around.
haha, yongxin captured a lot of the scene, and i cant wait to see what they looked like :)
i luv facebook man, its like the best photosharing site ever.
:)
haha, the ceo can treat me to lunch when he sees this :)

and the sleepover started, when all the mattresses are in place.
the guys got the hard bottoms while the girl jumped onto the soft bouncy mattresses and refused to move XD, so we each claimed a spot on the mattresses and started talking.
i wasnt used to sleeping os late so i slept at around 1 and woke up at 4 am. they were still talking, but chris and carey had fallen alseep. we discussed who is the hottest in sch and what guys see in girls and vice versa
hao yu at this point did something quite cute and funny.
he stood up , went to a corner of the room and fitted himself into the corner and slept standing up.
den we're all like, hao yu! what are u doing?
followed by racuous laughter. i feel sad for our neighbours.

when we checked in , the guy at the reception was raising his eyebrows really high. and he told me that actually only 2 ppl allowed in one of the superior rooms .
haha, oh wells

i must thank God that the room was just nice enough for abt 11 ppl :)
happies
the next day was quite sian.

zheqian left at abt 5 , and i suddenly woke up when he was abt to leave.
den i went back to sleep til about 8, at whcih the guys( jd, hy, honyang, and zhengting ) came back in, the guys din like sleeping too close to each other, so they went outside and played risk all night.

at 8, we ( the rest of the ppl who more or less slept) washed up and went to coffee bean where we sat for 4 hours talking abt jobs and courses, and of course our fav topics, guys and girls and what nots.

bt 1-2 pm the 4 guys have woken up, and we went to koufu to eat lunch.
it was about 3 plus after eating and mr chew said he would be coming at abt 4, so we sat on the beach and i took quite a lot of pictures.

looking at the waves, i felt suddenly lonely and emotional. the scar from 25th has yet to disappear.
so i called up shaun, and it was very very sian..
i know now how bad he felt, i'm sorry for making him feel deja vu again.

the girls were having fun, tho they're really sweet and nice, and included me in all their photos and activities, kept feeling like i couldnt fit in somehow.

and den it started to rain. and mr chew called to say he'll be late.
the rain lasted less den a minute.
and so we walked along the beach . the clouds were all so fluffy and huge.
xD
and we went back to the chalet to wash up :)

luckily mr chew arrived, so it wasnt boring anymore.

i felt sad on the beach also due to the fact that everyone seemed so tired and sians.
and as class rep.. i wasnt doing a too fantastic job.. because i felt sians and tired too.

i was on tether hooks for a while, because mr chew said he's only going to stay for a while, and i had promised my class that he'll eat dinner with us. cuz initially that's what he said.

i was on the verge on giving up, everything's going wrong.
so i told my class, i'm going home.
i took up my bag and we all went to vivo to eat dinner at yoshinoya.

there were so many sales there >,<
and i was momentarily cheered up. yoshinoya tasted really nice as well :)

and then God started working his magic.
mr chew called , said he wanted to play pool with us.
and yongxin and pris slipped away to buy a birthday cake for moses.

felt happy again, everyone's morale was lifted up, and things were smooth sailing from then.
the only dampener was moses himself!
he saw the cake and was like all smuggy and kept saying " i know its for me right? right? " and den we told him , no la, not for u , for mr chew cuz 26th was his last day in acjc.
and den moses was like in disbelief, and he was like " but i thought...i thought" den we all laughed and said, aiya moses, always jump to conclusions, and he looked super malu.
so we went into the arcade, and saw mr chew playing arcade games( this battleship game), so cute XD
haha, he was wearing white somemore.
his friend was playing tekken fighters.

we booked the pool table and lured moses and mr chew outside the arcade while pris and yongxin and chris lighted the candles.
by the time everyone went outside the candles on the cake has melted , but morale was still high so its fine.
the guys went back to playing pool and i went with the girls to shop around.
they were all so confident, wearing fbts, walking into posh , glitter and glass shops with severe, black wearing attendants.
they just walked in, plonked themselves down on the plush cushions and started trying on shoes XD
luv their confidence.
i dun think i'll have courage to do that yet.
these shops always look rather intimidating :)

and we went back after we shopped through vivo and harbourfront ;)

the guys were still playing and den mr chew introduced me to pool. quite fun, but i cant make the pointer go straight.so my cue ball never went into the hole, least in the direction i wanted it to. i want to learn pool!

at that point in time, i was really devastated. too much rollercoaster feelings and failures in a day.
mostly internal failures.
failure to keep my cool, to organise ppl effectively, to not be affected by my past and all.

so it was rather tiring. so i was really stone after that.
and mr chew and the class was quite worried abt me. i just let them worry, mean right?
BUT i felt really blessed now.

we took a picture at the christmas tree and parted ways. the happening clique went back to sentosa and jd, hao yu and me took the bus 61 whereas mr chew, honyang and zhengting went to take the train.

whoa i was so stone at the airport, i felt really defiant, pursing and pouting with the, " i'm darn agnry face"
i 'm not sure y tho.
but jd and hao yu are really nice ppl, and we all started talking.
i'm weird, i need a spark den i'll be like a nice fire, going on and on.

:)
met zhenqian on the bus , he boarded at holland v :)

we got off at shells outside peihwa and waved goodbye to zheqian who lives in signature park.
bought some beverage and the guys were really nice to send me all the way home, right to my doorstep, :)
its not really late in the first place.
abt 11.
yet at that time, i couldnt stop the nagging feeling that, what if, God had not stepped in, what if morale was super low, and everyone was still sians and tired.
none of this would happen..
no picture taking at the christmas tree, no pooling, no talking on the bus.
i'm not sure..

could this be counted as a failure on my part?
i keep failing, and yet God keeps redeeming me
i din plan any of the things after dinner, they just planned themselves.
simultaneously, as if things were arranged by someone higher up.
XD
it must be one of God's miracles and i'm glad for it :(

i just hope i'll be a better class rep in the years to come
my fondest wish is for us to remain bonded.

in the end, i never got back the 300 dollars i shelled out.
cuz only 12 ppl came, so that makes 12 x 15 dollars each.

:(

money's not impt to me, i'm just glad the class had fun :)
thanks be to God forver XD

27th nov
supposed to go to a play, collected some of the stuff i missed out from yongxin and rushed home to get ready for the play.

in the end i couldnt find my keys and i spent the time at home playing piano and reading " the world is flat "

i hope i din lose my keys in chalet :(

28th

shaun's violin performance is today, m going later.

its noon already.. rar..
have a lot of things to do :(

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Thursday, November 27, 2008

8:51 PM

feeling happier, reading the world is flat by thomas L friedman,

i read in the papers that ppl who watch tv are 30 percent more unahppier den those who dun, does that mean that i'm more unusual than usual ppl? cuz i dun watch tv! XD

oh wells, feel bit better.

maybe because, the friend i was talking abt in the previous post is drifting slightly away, dun feel so threatened and stressed.

i switched off my phone for three hours today, feels very peaceful

XD

went to vivo to collect my stuff from yongxin and karen.
in my hurry to leave chalet on 26 th night, left a lot of things there :)
ok, not a lot of things, just 3 items.
my toiletries bag, my cardigan( which is covered with lint from the bedsheet) and my hp charger

:x

i'll update on the chalet later, watching tv now yea? maybe that will make me happier, since i'm not normal, so haha, what works for others may not work for me

i love travel shows! :)

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1:02 AM

i think i'm gonna start shutting up myself again.

opening myself up was a bad horrible mistake.
esp with all the old scars opening, and new ones forming..

i dun want to be hurt again.
i dun want to be reminded of anything again.

i dun want anything to do with that again.

i just want to be alone.

leave me alone.

just leave me alone

i want to disfigure myself
only den can i feel at ease with the worthless snivelly and cowering feelings i keep feeling now.

i wont let anyone get close to me
until i become stronger

lots have happened! 2

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Monday, November 24, 2008

2:40 PM

21st

had dinner at pasta mania at west mall with shaun, talked about quite some stuff. m glad because when we first met each other, its kinda awkward. i was dressed up cuz of the play that night.( i din know he had paid for me already so malu)
den we went to coffeebean to drink stuff, ( which i paid, to pay back for the pasta), and he decided to go to the play too.
so yeps, we hopped down to vivo and met tim( who just came back from sentosa from a beach party) and adi, who was late!
den we went to basement 1 to eat subway.
wasnt hungry so read the book i'd brought along.
daniel, shaun's classmate came by to pick up his wallet and he talked a bit to shaun.

after that, we went up to the first floor where i bought a few shawls for prom. the guys gave some advice tho i'm not sure how useful they are. but i bought them anyways.
after that, we took this maxi cab to rgs. it was so funny, because the maxi cab was next in queue, but no one in the queue moved an inch, until the cabbie started flashing this sign that says " this is a normal cab". so we got into the maxi one.
it was really comfortable with plush leather seats and seat belts that din dig into ur shoulders. realy tired, so i fell asleep in the cab.
the pricing is seriously like normal cabs xD
so we got a bargain this time round. :)
the play was fab, it started off slow, but a few star players grabbed the whole show by its rein and turned it around.
basically it revolves around the life of a few woman, and it is kinda like a musical where they would use britney's songs to express their feelings at a few key scenes.
enjoyed myself thoroughly XD
right now, mr mao, his concubine, and the kungpow chicks remain fresh in my mind still.
haha, and who can forget that bootlicious dancing? feeling the urge to learn to dance as well.. maybe that will help me with sia's interviews.. ( see below later)
its rather entertaining,and fun, nice once in a while, since most of the plays i watch are heavy and has lots of scope for ponder.
XD

22nd

met rachel at far east for pre sia-interview shopping at 12.
woke up at ten, so a bit frantc.
planned to wear fbts but settle on a mini denim with an old navy skirt, ( and good thing i did, cuz rachel came in this shimmery dress, and the denim skirt allowed me to change very fast)
walked around level one and the top floors.
tried on a zillion shoes, before deciding on 2 pairs of shoes at trendyzone, hers was 28 with 20 percent off, and mind was 25. haha, it looks really pretty but hurts to wear it ( see below later)
after shopping around a bit, went down to the atrium where we had pasar malam food for lunch XD ( yum, i ate fake shark fin soup,and okonmiyaki, whilst rachel ate curry fishballs and okonomiyaki)
we hunted around a bit for my top, and finally settling on a navy classy top with ruffles in the fron ( similar to one airline's uniform)
bought a black tube to go along with it, and some makeup before we walked to borders to take 77 to holland v
rachel alighted to meet her friend
whilst i went home, exhausted.
dumped my stuff in a corner and tried curling my hair.
asked ppl's opinions on my hair and slept.

23rd( the big day)

woke up at 6.20am to start curling my hair, and put makeup and what nots.
tried the shoe the first time that day, so hard, had a horrible feeling.
by seven am, all done up, starting sitting down at the com to print out interview stuff,and fill in the application form. realized with a start that i have not prepared my photocopies of certificates. frantically started printing. woke mum up, got found out where i was going. sighs.
finished printing at 7. 35, meeting rachel at 8.15 am.. mom gave me 50 dollars.
went to get a taxi, on the way down to the main road, a petrol kiosk guy told me i'm charming, not sure what to make out of it.
reached netwon mrt at 8.10 am. rachel called to say she'll be late.
saw a lot of ladies in white and black formal clothes with immaculate makeup, started feelin really nervous.
shaun and wansing sent well wishes.
called wansing she din pick up so i called shaun, and haha, got him into trouble, cuz his mom was beside me, and could tell shaun's talking to a girl.

met with rachel soon after, went over to sheraton, felt confident and beautiful. there were so many ppl! esp guys.. the girls were all poised , glamourous and tall, they were also all unbelievably thin. felt another stab of insecurity. joined the queue, luckily we came earlier, because more and more ppl turned up. at any one time, there were always ppl stretching al the way to the hotel door from the second floor ballroom where we hand in our forms.
was frantically filling in my forms.
carried this red plastic bag.. felt i looked quite auntie, because the girls there were too perfect looking.
to assuage my uneasiness, i went to the ladies, and i couldnt recognise the person in the mirror, felt very surreal, she looks very made up, and cool and poised.that gave me some confidence. i took a deep breath and went back to the queue. it was almost our turn. we handed in the forms, stood really straight for the height taking,at first i was 161.5 but the assistant talked to someone and forgot my height, so she took it again. this time around, i was 162 cm. XD

stood around a bit, and got assigned into our groups, both me and rachel were in group 26. we got ushered into this gorgeous ballroom where we watched sia videos while waiting for our turn.
group 23 was called out. and i tot i still had time, so i went to the ladies. halfway through, rachel called me, and all i heard was fumbling sounds and pulling our of chairs. i panicked and ran out of the cubicle. my heart must have been on tetherhooks. but the person in the mirror looked so cool i couldnt recognise her still.

i rushed back to the waiting room. my worst fears were confirmed. my red plastic bag is gone, along with my whole group!

my mind racing , but i put on a calm face and intercepted this usher and asked her to check for me.
she came back and told me she din know anything.
my heart sank. and i called shaun and told him its gone. my chance is gone, cuz i went to the loo at the wrong time.
den the door behind me opened and hit me squarely in the back. and there was the interviewer with rachel.
i was so shocked, i got led into the room and told that i could begin at anytime.
all the girls were smiling serenely at me. not in a nice way, but in the manner that adi described as "thinking about smiling" kind of smile.

i stood up, introduced myself. i was so nervous, i kept saying erms.. and in the end, i told her i'm planning on taking a martial arts course. and she looked a bit interested.

we went back outside. and the girls in my group talked a bit.
den the lady came back and read out names.
my name was read out.

and rachel's face was castfallen, cuz i was the last girl, and it was in sequence..

i was in a state of shock.. i think i must have been too insecure.. i kept telling this girl, oh man, i cant believe i got through. and she was giving me this werid look..

felt very alone, yet strong and hopeful.

as led to a waiting area where they checked my o level certificates. den new groups were formed and we were brought into another beautiful room with a rack full of kebayas. and a pile of sandals nearby.

we were tld to remove our bags and accessories. and change into a kebaya.
no photography were allowed so i couldnt take pictures for rachel.
the sleeve of the kebaya was really loose, but the rest of the top was like a corset i had to suck in my breath in order to zip up the top. the kebaya skirt was beautiful.
i felt really like a stewardess in it, and also, the butterfiles starting forming.
we lined up in a row and stood at attention. i kept talking to the girl behind me... i shouldnt have done that... all the other girls were all so . cold looking with the " fake " smile plastered on their faces..
not very welcoming.
we had to walk up to the interviewer, and cat walk for her a bit. den she asked us questions. she asked me what's my hobbies, and whether i wanted to go to uni.
den i got directed to the skin check area. where i was shone with the huge bright line, to check my skin , and i think i failed in this stage. she wasnt pleased with my answers at all.. :(. she was very friendly with the previous girl in front of me. but not to me. she kept asking me why i wanted to join sia, and she asked what makeup i used, and whats my stengths, and i went on to tell her my weaknesses instead.. crap ... bad move..
:(
still quite traumatised by that stage.
and she said hmmm, and wrote a lot of things on her paper.
den she asked if i played a lot of sports. and i said no.
crap..
i should have said pe..
den she came to a conclusion and said in this bored voice, oh , so u're more of an indoor girl is it?
and i knew i had no chance.. :(

this was so crappy..

i was so unnerved and frightened.
i said the first thing that came to my mind..

my name wasnt called and i was kicked out.

met rachel downstairs..
:(

went to city hall to drown our sorrows and (complaints about our feet) at gelare in citylink. both our feet were bright red and sore and swollen...
so much that we went to hula and co opp gelare to buy ripples slippers.
and we put on new plasters and walked to suntec.
met up with shaun and linus there, and we spent time talking and walking around before going down to burger king to eat.

haha, i was very tired and sian by then,but managed to enjoy myself talking abt some interesting stuff.
:)
den i changed into my tubedress for the wedding dinner and went to take the train with shaun and linus.
rachel could take a bus home from suntec.
got off at tiong bahru to meet shun jiu den we went to furama riverfront. my feet wwas so pain it killed me.
somehow i made my way to ballroom 3 and found my mom and sis.

it was quite amusing and tiring, cuz the first dish was only served at nine and the chef carrying it came jiggling in to fast samba music. he had a padded stomach and looks really weird.
and he jiggled all the way down the aisle to the stage.
and the dinner started.

half way through, a magician who was not very talented. at least that's how i feel.
because he attempted to talk his way through thing rather den do them.
and he tried to make fishes appear out of a small container in a ballroom!
80 percent of the ppl were ignoring him, because we couldnt see a thing he's doing.
and his tone was very condescending, as if we're kindergardeners.

besides that the dinner was fine. i guess i was really tired so i was quite cranky.

yiwen looks really beautiful in her wedding dress.. her bf now turned husband really dotes on her.
haha, there was this movie clip in which the groom attempted to collect his bride at her house, he and his friends had to do a lot of disgusting things to get past her sister. including eating chocolate cake on a diaper.. ewwww.

thats so .. rar.

haha, so wells, after the wedding, i took off my heels, all my toes were red and swollen, a sad sight..
and mom decided to be nice and we took a cab home. once reaching home, i fell asleep soon after ;)

while in suntec city, me and rachel found this waxing shop... such a crude advertisment! but very clever as well, disguised in the form of anti bush campaigns, which is a rare sight in singapore, where there are practically no protests.

lots have happened!

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11:01 AM

i wasn't kidding when i said i went out everyday since 18th haha

here's a summary of all that i've done thus far :)

20th

i went out with cat, wansing and yuan2 to the botanic gardens for a picnic, it was so much fun, and i took a lot of photos, many of which i've stuck up on photoshop.
got scratched up by the plants, and perspired a lot. but it was spiritually lifting to be so near to nature :)

saw a few swans( and a few killer bees)
went to orchird garden and took many more photos, i luv the cool room! its this room within orchid garden where they had waterfalls, lots of myriads of species of ferns and even canivorous plants, uber cool!
went home and slept promptly, so tired.. but not after loading all the fabulous pictures. haha, and my inbox was spammed full by wansing, who was gleefully tagging. ;)i had about 300 plus messages from facebook, talk about spamming

i wish her luck with P, tho i think she deserves better.

the rest of the pictures are here..
album one :here
album two : here
album three: here
album four: here
album five : here
album six: here
album seven: here

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

10:09 AM

haha, a levels is over! feeling not much different actually.
only difference is that i'm sick with flu, fever, headache and the works.
i seriously hate runny noses, i must have used up one box of tissue by now.

yesterday went to watch quantum of solace with wei yong, ankita, trisha, aditya sri,and shaun.
i was secretly disappointed, not enough sizzling action between bond and the bond girl.the only sizzling section din even involve the bond girl, it involved this another random agent.
and half of the movie consists of bullet speed action, til i'm not sure who's shooting who anymore.
haha, anyways this was my first bond movie, i heard adi say that the original bond was more cassanova
lols
anyways, ate pasta mania at the lido, and went into borders after the movie, where i positively stoned, :(
was so tired after the movie and the paper.

oh ya, paper was ok, but careless mistakes prevails still... very very worried for my results.

so after borders( i really wanted to buy paperchase products) we all went to coffeebean where we had a furious debate on the israelis and the palestinians. and the legibility of the official recognization of israel.
quite heated.

it was huge eye opening for me. need to read up more! i could follow the convo, but couldnt give constructive comments, because i'm not familiar on the subject.

after that the girls left, and i stayed behind with the guys, because have to wait til 6 plus to pass my sister the camera.( she had prom in mariott yesterday night)

had a fun time listening to scandals and failed attempts in wooing girls XD

den 7 ish, boarded bus with shaun, he's going to sixth avenue for dinner with friends, i was rushing to ngee ann poly to help stacy with her business etiquette project today.
ran all the way from kap stop. super tired and hungry. cuz i haven eaten anything since afternoon's pasta.

i think i caught my flu bug in the library.

lols, den it got worse throughout the night til abt 10 plus. kept sneezing and sneezing, what's the worst was there were no more toilet papers, hence have to keep reusing the same itty bitty tissue, while trying to help stace transalate her script into chinese, and explain to her stuff. also had to help her extract info from her huge chunks of texts.
she had another test tml and was freaking out doing both at the same time.

lols, so i wnt home at 10 plus and helped her print her project stuff.
ate dinner at 11 ish, ate panadol, and went to sleep

that ends my day yesterday
haha

supposed to go shopping with sis today, but she's prob not gona wake up so soon since she came home so late.

stil pretty worried abt the sia interview, m currently downloadig the form.
looks formidable

haha, met shaun's friend linus a few days ago, found out his uncle was the chief steward in sia, learnt quite a bit from him :)

i'm happy, ahah, my social circle is expanding :)

maybe the key to making friends is not to try too hard..

i have to control that, i tend to be too nice to ppl i just know, and den drive them away.

anyways, found this on shaun's blog.
it made me reflect on how i tend to give ppl presents when its really quite easy to make someone happy.

ok, more next time. ( downloading manga now ) XD

Eight Gifts That Do Not Cost A Cent:

1. The Gift of Listening... But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.

2. The Gift of Affection... Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

3. The Gift of Laughter... Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say,"I love to laugh with you."

4. The Gift of a Written Note... It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.

5. The Gift of a Compliment... A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

6. The Gift of a Favour... Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

7. The Gift of Solitude... There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

8. The Gift of a Cheerful Disposition... The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say. Hello or Thank You.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

9:41 PM

feel really deflated..

went out to study with shaun and his friend linus..

iwas happy talking and studying together.

however.. my head hurts when i reach home

i feel totally ...irritated and empty..

i feel like i've acted like a mad person...
i let myself loose

and i feel utterly lost and upset with myself

tml is the last paper of physics..

i feel so emotional that i feel like crying..

i think i said a lot of things i shouldnt

like i said, i'm on the rebound.

i cant...
:(

i feel so agonized.. fighting with myself inside..

why cant i let anyone get close to me without feeling anything..

i just want to make friends..

why cant i accept anyone why cant i let myself do that...

arrgh...
i just feel like stabbing myself somewhere..

let the blood trickle out..

it feels therapeutic..

i'm sorry..
my head hurts
my heart hurts

and i'm so screwed for physics tml..

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

11:39 PM

i think i might know why i'm attracted to shopping, tho its a boring, trite, and repetitive activity, that i'm rather sick of to speak, but have no will power to stop.

no matter what i buy, i'll never look nice in it.
cuz i dun have confidence.
i hate the sight of myself in the mirror.

spur me on to buy more. to assuage that horrible feeling of self lashing.
and also in a desperate bid to look nice..

look look look.

looks to me is so impt.
i wonder morbidly what will happen if i wake up one day and find myself an 80 year old woman. that will be interesting. :)

just like in howl's moving castle.

tired to the core. an

what m i doing now?
u guessed it..

better sleep now.

look like a zombie tml

looks again..
i admit , i think i'm on the rebound.

like i said, very dangerous period for me.

i dun wan to get involved again. enough.
i put my foot down.

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11:07 PM

everthing seems to be losing its meaning..there's always this increasing chasm to fill constantly..

by doing new things, i feel fulfilled ..for a while.. den the novelty wears off and i'm all alone.

i wish my spiritual life is much better to withstand all these.

i just feel so meaningless.

shopping makes me feel loved.. makes me feel like i've a mission to do.

til i recieved my bill
and look at all the receipts in my empty wallet

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3:00 PM

i'm feeling really weary and confused...

sighs..

focus on the things that matter please..

why cant i let anyone get close to me without invoking some sort of feelings, be it overly trusting( and den getting hurt), or overly suspicious ( and lose that friendship)..

i'm tired..
rar...
i hate my defenses..

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10:25 AM

Take this Quiz: Are you a compulsive shopper?

True or False? Evaluate the following statements:

1. When I am feeling depressed, I usually go shopping. (true.. but online)

2. I spend a lot of money
that I do not have on things that I do not need. (false, i spend money that i have.. just that the amount spent is amounting, and if i dun stop, this will be a true soon)

3. I get a rush when I make a purchase, but I “crash” soon afterwards.(true)

4. I have closets full of clothes that I have never worn, and countless gadgets that I have never used.(true)

5. I often feel reckless and out of control when I shop.(false, i think too much when i shop, always asking myself if i need this item that badly, and usually i dun buy anything)

6. I lie to my friends and family about how much money I spend.(true, too prevent them from thinking i'm a shopaholic, self denial i guess)

7. Even though I feel very distraught about my debt, I still shop.(false, no debt.. yet..)

8. I feel emotionally upset and disturbed by my own shopping habits.(very.. true, i've never spent so much money in my life before)

9. After a big shopping trip, I sometimes feel disoriented and depressed.(false)

10. My shopping has caused problems in my personal relationships in one way or another. (maybe... not sure.. )

Did you answer “True” for four or more of the above statements? If so, it is possible that you have a real problem with compulsive shopping.

ok, so there's 4 trues..

rar... better curb my spending ... feel like crying.. shopping makes me happy somehow.

solutions from the net

1. Admit something’s wrong. If you can’t open any of your closets, your credit cards are maxed out, or you cover up crazy spending behavior, you probably have a problem with shopping. “The first thing you need to do is face up to the issue and admit that you need some kind of intervention,” says Benson. (ACTUALLY, IF I'M WRITING THIS POST, MEANS I ADMIT THERE'S SOME THING WRONG)

2. Examine the problem. Every compulsive spender is different. Do you spend only occasionally but in big splurges? Or are you on a constant spend-a-thon, moving from one credit card to the next? Do you go nuts for a particular commodity—electronics, food, jewelry? In order to get a grip, says Benson, “You need to admit the particular nature of your problem.”

3. Name the feelings. Benson suggests asking: “What are you shopping for?” To boost your ego? Relieve depression? Get back at your spouse? Is it a creative outlet or a form of self-expression? Does being at the mall ease loneliness? “If so, see if you can find other ways to meet those needs.”

4. Look at your time. Compulsive spenders face more than financial losses, Benson points out. Ask yourself how much time you spend browsing on the Internet or stalking some great deal. How else could you spend your time in ways that would truly improve your quality of life?

5. Open your horizons. When hearing about shopper Andrea’s passion for fashion, Benson wondered if she could volunteer as a consultant with Dress for Success, a program that helps disadvantaged women find jobs. “You have to have a rich life.” Benson says. “True wealth isn’t 500 pairs of shoes, it’s things that feed your soul.”

What is compulsive shopping?

Compulsive shoppers, or shopaholics, have in recent years been spotlighted on television programs and women’s magazines. They have become topics of conversation in the realm of pop psychology. While the media sometimes uses the term loosely or in an off-handed manner, a true compulsive shopper suffers from a very real, and sometimes very frightening, lack of self-control.

Without a doubt, we live in a very “spend-happy” society. As a whole, we are living above our means and many of us are drowning in debt. Many people, no matter their level of income, view shopping as a hobby. They take weekend-long shopping excursions, spend money they do not have, and often regret their purchases the next day. Does this mean that they have a problem? Not necessarily.

A true shopaholic shops out of compulsion. They will make purchases long after they are over their heads in debt. They shop when they are feeling emotionally distressed, and use spending as a coping mechanism. They do not shop because they merely enjoy it, or because they are purchasing things that they have a need for. They buy things because they feel they HAVE to. A shopaholic is out of control.

Tips on Controlling Overspending and Treatment for Compulsive Shoppers

(1) Get rid of your credit cards, checkbooks, and ATM cards before you go shopping. Use only cash.
( I'M A HORRIBLE MISER WITH PARTING WITH MY CASH,BUT I SPEND LIKE A MILLIONAIRE ONLINE..)

(2) If you spot something that you would like to purchase, never allow yourself to purchase it on the spot. Instead, walk away and give yourself a “mandatory waiting period” (or if you must-- ask the store to hold it for you. Most stores will hold items for their customers for at least a day). If you still want the item in a few days, then you can go back and make your thought-out purchase.
( ACTUALLY I'M ALREADY DOING THAT.. IT'S KINDA TIRING..TO THINK SO MUCH!)

(3) Make a budget and put it on paper. Give yourself some “mad money” for each month, and do not allow yourself to purchase anything that is not in the budget.
( I DO THAT TOO.. BUT USUALLY I DUN STICK TO IT.. I HAVE TO WORK ON STICKING TO PROMISES I MADE TO MYSELF.. :()

(4) Write down everything you purchase for two weeks; groceries, gas for your car, the electric bill, and even that candy bar from the vending machine! This will make your more conscience of where your hard-earned dollars are going. Being more aware of your spending will also make your more in control.
( I'M GOING TO TRY THIS ;0 )

(5) If you are overwhelmed with debt, contact a credit-counseling agency. There are several non-profit organizations (you can even find some online!) whose goal is to get your out of debt. They will help you consolidate your bills into a smaller monthly payment, and get your credit report in good standing once more. Most credit counseling agencies will also help you set up your monthly budget.

If you found that you answered many of the Quiz questions “True”, your may need more than a few frugal tips to help keep your spending under control. If your shopping behavior is interfering with your life, consider counseling. A counselor will be able to help you figure our why your spending habits are so out of control. A knowledgeable counselor can walk you through behavior modification techniques that have a proven track record. Compulsive shoppers sometimes suffer from depression or bi-polar disorder, which can be diagnosed and treated with counseling. Some shopaholics are diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which can also be treated with the aid of a psychologist or psychiatrist. With patience, persistence, and sometimes professional help, compulsive shoppers can get their lives back in control.

advice i'm taking wilL be highlighted in black, i hope, anyone who reads this, my friends will help to remind me along the way, thanks :)

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

6:14 PM

paper ones left!

:)

happy, it seems like a levels ended, but i cant lost my mometum yet, haha, and its confirmed, i'm going for the sia girl interview, wish me luck! anyone who reads this post on this blog, could u please tag on my tagbox, i wanna see how many ppl read this.

lols
just an experiment.

feeling super high now!

this pushcart lady in far east din wan to hire me, cuz she said i grad from jc, should go find office job.

lols..
i hate office jobs

my life plan

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

7:20 PM

and this is what i'm gonna do with my life

after A's, haha, i'm 18 and on a ball, having fun, but this is when all the impt stuff have to be done.
mapping out my life's path, (starting to ake better care of skin-esp around the eyes,i want to be the youngest grandma ever) and taking care of my health!

so i'm foremost going to run every other day and swim at least twice a week, shed off all the weight i gained during exams.

and take care of my body better, better diet, better lifestyle, ( no plucking of scars and scabs... )

(rar...i just wore a new hairband today, and its giving me terrible headaches by gripping my temple so tightly..)

haha random.

so here goes,
i know i'm not interested in a table office job, unless i'm my own boss or something.

not really interested in office environment, unless i get to run around a lot.
( no i do not want to be a delivery woman)

so i'll find a job now after A's, preferably something that lets me interact with ppl, business or hotel reception.

after i get my cert, apply for scholarship if applicable, take up any course first that interests me, (preferably business)
den while being an undergrad, apply for internship at singapore tourism board.

meanwhile, going for interviews to be SIA cabin crew

thats my game plan.
yea!at least for these 2 years.

i've a job offer at far east already... hopefuly my knowledge on fashion will help me get a better job somewhere else ;)

but so long, econs today is .. ok.. i guess, chem was quite shocking..
tired..
econs paper 1 is tml, i'm just glad that paper 2 is OVER! HAHA

so econs paper 1 is like my last long paper den its mcqs al the way :)

smiles

i cant believe that a levels is about to end..

but its torturous, i dun wanna go through it again. months of waiting just for this 2 weeks..

months of preparation and frustration..

about to be OVER!

AHAHAHA

XD

i never once believed that i m pretty

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Friday, November 07, 2008

9:25 PM

i never once believed that i m pretty

never once..

never truly believed..

even if i thought i was pretty, or at the least presentable... that feeling was gone after the event..

i hate makeup..

i hate looking at my face..

i want to like myself too..

i'm not even sure why this seems so impt to me..

i'm just sick of staring at my own face.

i just want to hide it somewhere.

what excess baggage m i carrying?
i hope this phase will pass...

rar...
i'm irritated with myself..
snap outta it...
:(
please..