heaven bound
Saturday, January 28, 2006
8:35 AM
footprints.....every step u take it leaves a footprint...
when u've walked until u cannot see ur own footprints anymore,
u noe u've moved on...
its time to move on...
how do i start? many things have happened these days, my dad's death, learning to cope, managing the accounts, organising the wake, trying to appease the thick tension in the atmostphere.
i used to blame God, for giving me all these agony, letting me see my dad suffering, crying, slowly reducing to an empty shell in a coffin.....i noe all this is God's plan, that he controls things, that my dad's death is not an accident, but an event. But i dun understand wat his purpose was for, i remembered demanding God for an explanation, if he had to take my dad away.
That day, it was raining really heavily, i just had a major fight with my mom, naturally, i felt stressed..felt heavy and morose, then the nurse, who was a christian, came and told me that "ur dad is not gg to make it". no buts, no ifs, its confirmed, he's not gonna make it, so all the machines i see, every beep the ventilator makes, its just prolonging his sufferings and pain. we're selfish ppl who are not willing to let him go.i noe i should just walk up and wrench off all the plugs and switches, but i dun have the courage..so the presence of the machines is just to provide us with a shred of solace that MAYBE God will perform a miracle, and he wont have to die. The prolongment of his life is just to prepare us for the inevitable....That's when my universe fell apart, the strong-willed outward appearance i try to project tore.....i cried..life without dad, nobody to teach me art, nobody to discusss my life plans with, no more familiar smiles to brighten up my day.....life is fragile and short...like the flower wreaths at the wake. beautiful, sweet and bright, but just like an empty vase,after three days, it wilts...
two days after the confrontation, dad went home. i told God, if u really wanna take dad home, u have to give me an explanation of why u did so, or at least provide me with strength to live life without dad. he just went like that. it still scares me, i have been planning to tape a complilation of hymns for my dad to hear, but just didnt get round to doing so due to procrastination.Sat, 21/1/06, on an impulse i picked up the tape and taped everything. we played it to dad in hospital that day. halfway, the battery died, wonder what it symbolises...he was still fairly ok at that time, his heart rate 60+, though his blood pressure was 30+, but he didnt gave any signs that he was gg to go home that night.
after the hospital visit, i went to a modern dance concert with kt, she treated me and i didint feel it appropriate to decline her. it was the most memorable nite of my life. after the concert,i was talking to kt at blk 4, den i recieved a call at 12.01am, my dad's heart rate is falling, and we're required to hurry down at once in case "any thing happens"
we hurried down, dad's eyes were taped over with white cotton pads, it was supposed to keep his eyes closed, as his eyes were always wide open due to reflex actions.
qy went with us too, thank God for that. we held dad's hands and talked to him. at around 12.55pm. he started twitching violently like he was electrocuted, i was so shocked i nearly tore my hands out from his. he kept wrinkling his face as if to get rid of the pads, terrified, i yelled to the nurses to get the pads off, his eyes were the most beautiful i've ever seen in his whole hospitalisation. normally, his eyes were wide, milky , yellowish and unfocused. but that time, his eyes looked perfectly normal, and he was crying. he looked sad and "fang bu xia", anyway, i started sobbing "dad" over and over...he must have known he's not abt to make it. suddenly , he winced and held my hands tighter, then the gradient became zero. the "tu" sound....long and unrelenting ......it was the cruelest sound i've ever heard...his chest stopped heaving and gasping for breath. his grip loosened, i cried...
this was on sunday, 22/1/06, 1.03am.
he was God's good servant.
God fetched him home on a sunday.
at 9.30am,
we went to the family mortuary at SGH. blk 9
it was a white and cold building with a sign" centre of forensic health"
we collected papers and submitted particulars of my dad. there was gg to be a coroner's report on the cause of death,crying ppl were milling around. then the police investigator motioned us inside, i thought we were gg to see the coroner. instead, i was in a sort of enclosed room with a full length transparent window on one side of the wall. through the window, two masked person, who were dressed from head to toe in protective green gear pushed my dad 's body out on a trolley. a curtain separates them and the rest of the room behind them.my heart stopped for that moment. there were dried blood stains splayed on his neck where his breathing tubes previously were. his eyes still in that "winced" look,he looked tired, withdrawn, yellowish and wrinkled. defeated. toatally. i was thinking, is that really my dad? i didnt have any mental preparations, i felt really cold. when i die, i'll b another yellowish corpse on a trolley. my tears streaked out from the edges of my eyes. the two surgeons motioned that they were gg to push my dad out. they pushed aside the curtain.....to my horror, the whole room, that whole cold room, rows and rows of bodies ready to be pushed out for their families to see, like now....
i ran out of the room.
suying auntie was outside, she helped me call Trinity casket. and arranged tor he transporting of dad's body.
after that , i got the certificate of death, it just stated the cause of his death, intra-abdominal sepsis(inflammation). The coroner feels that the doctors are not totally responsible for the hole,as we have signed a form prior to the operation stating we had understood the risks involved. My mom was so difficult to handle, all this while, she had relied on the "fact" that the doctors are at fault to comfort herself, but now her "pillar of strength" have dissolved, she's stuck in denial.
miss teo came too. we collected the body, which is wrapped up in a white blanket. The casket representatives carried dad's body into the van and we went to their headquarters, where we smoothed out the details of the arrangements for the wake. i had to restrain myself from venturing to the back of the tiny office, for that was where dad's body was undergoing emblament. they had drawn a red curtain across to separate the living from the dead. i picked out a dark coffin whose wood was shiny and glossy like our piano, i'm sure dad will want to be in a coffin that reminds him of us playing the piano.
that day passed quickly, we hurried the obituary by two and handed in to the press for tml's newspapers.
we bought white shirts and black pants for mourning, and in two hours time, the tents and canopy were set up, it was v fast.
these days, due to the high tech society that we live in now,dad will be just another "problem" , an unsightly glitch to be solved quickly in this efficient and "clean" city(thats y the gov kept encouraging cremation cuz its cleaner)
i dun noe whether to pity or to marvel at the attitudes of the workers at the crematorium. They behave like robots, automatically loading one body after another on their final leg of the journey into the furnace. it is either that they have seen so much agony and sorrow that they have become immune and numb.in that case, i pity them, cuz they have lost the basic ability humans have, to feel and have feelings.or they could have understood that death is not the ultimate goal that humans have, then good for them.
eventually, i realised that the body in the coffin is not my dad,he's up in heaven, wat's in the coffin is nothing more than a non-living thing, a shell left unwanted, the "skin " my dad shed on his way to heaven, it cant talk to me, smile to me or sit up. so its nothing more special thatn say. a bundle of cloth. but i have really mixed feelings, cuz this is the closest i can get to my dad presently, and his supposedly"wax figurine", i've touched him before.. that wat makes it hard to put down. i got used to the fact that the wax figurine is just there for show, its not my dad, never. my dad's in heaven....
sometimes during the service i wonder, wat r we singing for, wat is the testimony for? to comfort us, that's wat....we're facing a "bundle of cloth" and singing and saying testimony, its presence is not important at all...at all....
the wake lasted 5 days and ended yesterday on thursday, we went to church for service. dad's body started decomposing, staining the white sheets within a murky brown. we used the flowers to cover the rancid smell starting to permeate out of the coffin. i cant bear to see it. water vapour have gathered on the inside of the glass til it was completely opaque, we sang "my jesus, i love thee" as a tribute to dad and left for Mandai creamatorium and columbarium. we had a last service which ended with us placing a stalk of flowers on the coffin. after tt, we were ushered to viewing room 2( viewing rooms....how morbid is that?), dad's body...the coffin, it was place on an automated vehicle which sent the coffin into the furnace. the furnace doors closed. we never saw the coffin again.
at 2.30pm, we went back to Mandai to collect his "exhumed remains" as they call it. it was a dark grey and austere building, i was expecting one pile of ashes, instead to my surprise, all that was left of my dad's body was a pile of grey bones, or at least bits and pieces of it. the casket representative started taking out pieces of the skull cap(in chinese tradition, skull caps must be placed smoothly on the top of the rest of the remains) , he proceeded to fill the urn(from sprirtual grace) with the rest of the remains. then, we placed the skull cap pieces on top one by one. to my utmost morbid fascination, the pattterns and colours of his brain was imprinted on the inside of the skull pieces. its really amazing how God have created the human body.
now i'm not afraid of death, i know where i'll go, wat will become of me and the procedure. morbid but true, maybe this is God's purpose. now i m determined to be a san fu teacher, to fulfill my dad's legacy. he left behind a most precious legacy: his attitude and his love for God....
we took the urn to sprirtual grace to place the ashes in the niches we booked. i'll go and see him tml.
may i learn to praise God more.
thinking back, i have lots of blessings from God.
if he haven't died, the $80,000 bill, no income, dad's weakened state, no work, tension, tears, arguments, finacial woes.
compared to waht God have planned for us, dad's in the fairer land with his saviour, we're settled for the next few months or so, at least fianacially, and also, it forces us to be independent and to trust in him. which is good.
so praise the Lord.
thank u for ur explanation. thank u...
Toh Wan Qin Roxanne
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I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.
I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.
I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.
I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.
I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.
It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.
75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness
Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.
I am random and fickle like the wind.
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