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Friday, May 12, 2006

12:05 PM

i suddenly feel really uneasy of the consequences of what i had just done. Zhang pastor came over to my house to talk to us about our family situation, us, sounds really heartwarming. the whole family sitting down and discussing the future with the help of a mediator.In reality, it was just me and mom initially when she came. QY escaped this lil meeting by feigning the importance of a movie. QM only came back on the middle of the talk.perhaps this was a platform that led to my anger escalating-the fact that i was left behind /or abandoned to talk wif this stranger. I was really ap,choosing to stare at the screen of the com instead of looking at her.isat with my back to her, gave non-commital answers and stressing on my "rights" that "i do not wish to mention that", coupled with a murderous stormy face to boot.
seriously, i could noe understand my sudden burst of fustrations.Everything abt her seemed to irk me.worse still, i forgot about wat i had promised God to do, to learn to be more like jesus every day.onli at the en of the end of the conversation did i realise that, i had let my anger get the best of me. my apalling attitude...i felt shocked, but just for a fleeting moment, vanquished when my mom started pulling out all her grouses and complaints in front of the pastor.i felt like screaming at her and rolling my eyes, to my utter disgust that i actually entertianed these thoughts.
i feel guilty.
what had led to this?
maybe its's because i'm not in a good mood today, with the results coming back. the competition and tension for the coveted marks that differentiates u from a b4 and a b3..let's just sa its a tiring day.i'm a prideful person, the feeling of being trampled at the bottom of the mire is not enjoying.besides i know my lousy marks are due to my lack of practice and my weak immune system. knowing that i had the ability to change and prevent my situation onli served to make me even madder.
also, i abhor counselors. i hate strangers sitting me down and talking to me abt MY family future, yada yada. this happened at the hospital too. i used the same attitiude on the social worker who was dispatched to" help us get over our grief". the only things she did was try to dig up our fianacial assets, no doubt ready to deduct money for the hospital bill, before my dad even died. i mean, thats so nosy. we dun need this outsider poking her nose in thank u very much.
i sent her running. they say they are for "my own gd" but how much do they know abt me and my family?even my frens dun noe 100%.they know u for a total of 5 mins den expect u to tell them stuff, of course i would be on the defensive.
their "uh-huh, uh-huh" and nodding of heads gravely irked me more instead of pacifying me.i'm prideful, sensitive, defensive.i dun like toking abt my family probs to outsiders. maybe i'm running away..i have to learn not to judge, not to distrust a person just like tt.
i'm scared actually, counselors normally know psychology, i just escpaed being manipulated, i dun wan to be manipulated again. building up myself within a wall...in due time, i guess i will climb out..in due time..
i hope :(
i failed God again.

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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