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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

11:50 AM

hurt
i wanna fly
fly fly fly
i'm throwing so much of myself into the recent project i took
i miss dad
he'd always be there to tell me how i've done
tell me how to improve
show me his conceptual books which never fails to give me inspiration
but now, the books' magic has failed
since the owner is not here le

not really, no use wallowing in past events ya?
i dun like the fact that i cant wallow

pressure pressure pressure
dun flood urself with negative words
impossible
cuz the world around me does just that
cool eh

ppl dun understand me
i dun myself
i know God can
but i yearn for someone to understand me
anything that can respond

i just wanna be alone

i heard somewhere: the extent of the portrayed outward happiness only reflects the depth of the pain within

its impossible to be alone, since i'm in choir.
but thats only physically
at least i could show i'm happy when i'm with ppl
i dun fake
with ppl, i throw everything aside and just do stupid and crazy stuff and laugh myself silly
when all the noise stops, the pain from within me becomes clearer

y m i doing all this
what m i trying to prove?
y do i slog so hard, in memory of my dad?
or for the intergrity of the art?
its so hard to distance myself from ppl i see everyday
its so hard to distance myself from ppl who loves me
who feels happy just seeing me
who worries for my safety
i have to distance
i dun know what i want
i dun want to waste their time while i search for the meaning of everything that i do
i dun wan to be a burden
m i very troublesome?
i dun wan to rely on others
i cannot rely on others
i wan to be independant,relying only on God
but, humans have to have relationships
just let me stone
dun cling on to me
i'm trying to forget u
i dun wan to
sometimes life is not abt what u want
which i dun even know what
i only m sure of what i dun want
i dun wan to forget him

dunwandunwandunwandunwan
i dun want to waste his time anymore
i wanna fly
i feel stressed
i failed my terms
i'm being scolded for pouring my time into the project
i'm pouring inside so i can escape
escape
from what
this is such an emo blog
i dun wanna be known as emo
ppl say i should acknowledge i'm emo
but i dun wan to
i dun wan to be emo
i can do something abt it!
i wan to change change change
i dun wan to be roxanne
nononononononononono
the roxanne i know i m is so weak
so paltry
so helpless

i have to do something..anything

maybe i should just not get invloved in anything to do with the heart
i dun wanna get hurt

i dun wanna marry
i dun wanna have a boyfriend
i just wanna be alone

alone alone alone
and yet i know its not what i wan
but u cant always have the things u wan isn't it?


p.s i sincerely thank my famliy for not peeking over my shoulder to see what i'm typing, since i'm tearing quite badly.
maybe they're too used to it, hah, but i'm grateful all the same
thank you

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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