schizophrenic attack
Sunday, May 11, 2008
10:16 PM
recently broke uponly about 2 /3 days ago
not crying much,(though stoning and staring into space alot)
not crying much because this breaking has been so delayed, that it really feels necessary.
i still care for him a lot, still miss him alot
but not now.
i know i do not want to get back together, (though in my moodier and crying moments, i'll wish so)
at least not now.
i feel i'm quite schizophrenic
this break is like a breather,
1) i can focus on studies(finally)
2) i can ascertain my own identity
its like when u're attached u start giving up individual activity for couply activities.
i feel like i'm 2 ppl sometimes.
my wardrobe is full of (not really revealing) but tanks and stuff
yet i'll only dare to wear them in the privacy of my room.
i dare not step out in them.
cuz i think i have a mature face, wont look nice, plus my short hair with skimpy tanks, and mature long face, dun hit off too well i think.
an plus i feel exposed, i'm quite conservative actually.
so now i wanna wear something more youthful (like tanks and minis) but i wont wear them, and will always wear something else to cover.
also, in my r/s, i wanna be a little woman sometimes, its nice being pampered and feeling like an inexperienced schgirl, but my feminist side takes over, and i might suddenly feel very confused over how i should act. like puh lease, i can open doors myself and stuff.
maybe thats y i keep sending mixed signals across to him.
i dun even know myself.
its irritating.
i wish i knew myself more, what i want , what i like etc.
also sometimes, i might feel more sacrificial and understanding ,and other times, i'll be so convinced that i must fight for my own happiness, not happy means too bad, off u go.
but lols, after i've made a so called decision, i'll suddenly have like this paradigm shift of how i perceive things, den suddenly go to the other extreme, and call off the decision.
i wish i could be more deicisive, and understand myself better.
so a breather for now
really tired.
the fighting and petty arguments go on forever.
here's a sample.
6/5/08
patch up, he came to see me.
7/5/08
fight on msn
vowed not to talk for 2 weeks
9/5/08
fight more on msn
den broke up
quite drama mama, when i read through the past convos,
i'm really tired of these r/s for now
i just wanna sleep, eat, study, take exams, and hiong for my sgc.
but its nice still depending on him a little.
we're still staying good friends'
but i know i will be toeing the line, for i'm sure i have accumulated enough warning feelings to backtrack if my emotions move too far.
he does have a horrible temper, and i've a shrewd and sharp tongue.
a perfect remedy for a neverending fight.
oh yeah, and we both have HUGE egos for the record.
lols
so yeah, break time.
for now, my head hurts too much to think.
Toh Wan Qin Roxanne
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profile
I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.
I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.
I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.
I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.
I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.
It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.
75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness
Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.
I am random and fickle like the wind.
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