thoughts abt the future
Monday, August 04, 2008
5:49 PM
think too much, talk to muchthink i think too much
think i was too high, talk to much, lose decorum etc etc etc...
i hate yet to accept myself for who i m
actually i'm quite complicated.
sometimes i'll be like michelle, be the type of girl who likes to cheer ppl up, talk and share abt my life, my experience freely without caring or thinking what others think of me, or abt what others are thinking. of course, its not over the top kind of thing, as in will still be sort of sympathetic towards other's feelings, just not letting it affect me..
other times i'll be quite wary of how i behave, what's my "placing" in the class, whether i should speak at times or wht should i do etc etc... it just gives me a headache.
i had my last pe today, played a few rounds of frisbee... supposed to be fun, had some fun, laughed a lot.. den went to cheer the ppl from our class doing napfa.. think i was quite high now that i'm alone...
felt that i was commmanding and unncessary like keep screaming and clapping like a mad woman...
i bet others were looking.
again, back to weiyong's point.
i'm a person who is "gripped by fear"
i'm almost always thinking about what others think of me.
so maybe i'm thinking too much?
so now i'm thinking too much abt me thinking too much abt what others think of me?
rar...
complicated sia..
found the photo form, felt that some ppl like jd din really like my guts, was like commanding all over the place , like " class, remember this..." , " class remember that"
they'll usually listen to me for the first 5 seconds den start moving off.
its quite un-encouraging...
i mean, natatsha said on the bus that i seemed quite extroverted, haha, as in, extroversion with others, inrtoversion with my self, which is worse than introversion with others i think.
cuz i sustain the whole burden of thinking abt things,of what i should have done, said, acted, amended, what i shouldnt have, what i could have done better, whether others think that what i did was appropriate...
sighs..
i mean, i just like to think. it just comes like so naturally, i dun get tired, just frustrated sometimes, when the things i think about exist in a never ending loop . ;)
i'm not exactly a ra-ra fight-to-the-top-i'm-so-determined-to-study-hard-and-earn-big-bucks kind of girl, i kinda lack the drive, i never did have much of a drive to do things of a huge scale... (look at the way i'm slacking now) the only thing i'm interested in is like fashion etc. i read up on it subconsciously, just more interested when i see the words retail, business, cabin crew, travel...
not sure what i'm good at too.
ok at art, bad in music
bad in singing..
as in, i'm totally using the wrong techniques, just that no one knows, its hurts when i sing, which shouldnt be the case, and the more i try to sing properly, the more it hurts cuz i'm using my throat, but i dun know how to u know, switch back to diaphragm, ( i forgot how to use it after being sick for a long time and i couldnt sing) singing USED to be so relaxing and happy, but its not now anymore...
that's y i may never join alumni...
it hurts too much, i dun wan to destroy watever, and i asked some alumni, they said u just have to keep thinking lower, like heck, its super abstract... i'm trying and trying.. i try every sing time i open my mouth, breathe lower breather lower.. but it just keeps getting higher and higher.
i like talking one to one.
i like making art and crafts, tho need to pick up more sewing skills and stuff..
i like helping ppl, ( but feel disheartened after a long period, if all i get are ungrateful faces, need someone to replenish me and recharge me)
a speaker for the principle series talks said that if u have to try hard for something its a chore.
ok, so what m i good at?
not academic stuff obviously..
i can tell my jimmy choos, from coach from ferragamo...
but it feels like a superficial way to give back to the society..
iguess i'm still young, i want to impact the world in a way i uniquely can impact..
maybe not world, just ppl around me, my society.
it'll be nice if i could go back some class reunion and maybe say i'm doing a respectable job, not something flighty and superficial like fashion u know?
thats the competitiveness side of me..
again, its got to deal with WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME...
one day, i will shed that stigma...
i like to travel.
i like to take photographs, i like to see the culture of other ppl.
i dun mind organizing things, as long as i'm not by myself... as in i'm not influential to drive ppl, not extroverted, whatever,, cant even convince my own class to do things, m learning, but i can say i'm not a good leader.
not really a good member either.. somewhere in btw, like to command, and be commanded.. lols ( i mean, dun everybody?)
i think if i dun view it that way, i'll be happier and better off, just do what i should do for the moment.
complicated sia..
in other words, i want my cake and eat it. want to be in a respectable job ( that suits my interests and abilities yada yada)and wanna slack ad earn money at the same time..
the world is expensive.. to live the life that i want, i have to earn quite a bit, not highflying, just 3 to 4k at the least...
to be able to not live in a hdb flat..
actually hdb flat is fine, but must be renovated, i dun wan typical boring stuffy hdb flat with white cracked walls and plain white tiles...
i've lots of ideas for interior designs, but they're mostly graphic designs, so prob wont make it big to earn money..
what if my interests and abilities dun match?
a saying goes, love what u do, and do what u love, focus on something u like, and make sure u make it good.yeah..
like mr suren, he loved chem, and now he's earning lots just running tuition classes for ppl like me, and loving it, and the bucks are rolling in...
maybe i'l set up an art and craft store...
but online stores like maki squarepatch and little odd forests... their goods are really nice, and i doubt i could churn out so much plushies and pouches and what not..
i mean i cant live on that alone, i cant achieve my ideal life with it...
means i have to find a job...
means what?
maybe i'll really be a counsellor or a childhood teacher, or something..
i like small kids, just so that they're not mine! ( for now..)
( its weird, most girls find babies cute, i dun really, babies are babies, and they look like that, its like finding it amazing that guys have a triangular body shape and girls have hourglass shapes, i mean its just like that lo, babies are meant to be cute, and if all babies are cute, den none of them are cute, they're just them, i guess.. shrugs..)
haha lols
means if i wanna be counsellor i'll have to learn psychology, wee, but whoever heard of a counsellor who cant understand herself?
i might take business, but m scared of giving presentations, and i hate working for other ppl with some miserly fixed salary with only one hour lunch time and a 9-to-5 work day.
like wat... its like school just worse, cuz we have sch holidays, if u start working, thats it, no goal, no aim, just work work work, everyday report, (unless u take leave) i dun wan.. den no life too, cuz after 5, i'm always dead tired, prob to tired to look good ( to go dating and clubbing and what sheets..)
lalala
maybe i'm thinking too much.
anyways, i want something that changes everyday, maybe i'll go into news reporting, deadlines yes, but its moving, we're moving all the time..
not boring, office cubicle, once in a blue moon projects and endless socializing with clients, whats the point? ( if i was the client, i'd know this is just business networking, its superficial smiles, and whats, just to keep up the good facade so BUSINESS can improve..)
its just money money money..
and or this i get a fixed salary..
maybe i'm getting quite a biased view of things..
fixed jobs can mean stability.. however the me now, is not big on committment to boring things long term..
i skip sch and forge parents letters sometimes, when i just dun feel like going sch( i feel empty the whole day , but thats another matter)
lala.. so yeah...
what should i do lala
i should focus on my prelims first..
its so bad.. the preparation..
failed m chem class test...
rar...
careless careless careless, if this was the real thing, i'm dead..
Toh Wan Qin Roxanne
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I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.
I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.
I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.
I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.
I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.
It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.
75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness
Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.
I am random and fickle like the wind.
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