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Monday, December 15, 2008

3:20 AM

i feel like a priss for wasting food.

i cant sleep at night, not right now. cuz my mind is active and my body is tired

so i'll be blogging now.

i feel selfish for always feeling about myself

abt what are my goals. aims . wants.

i want i want.

dad said something about the world wanting ..

the whole world wants and demands.

because u deserve it.

thats my macdonalds.

the way u want it.
the customer is king

on demand cable, shows, to suit every whim and fancy.


so much that ppl dun know what they want anymore
but they keep on wanting.

eugene keep asking me, what do u want.
waht do u want?
do u want it badly enough?
go for it

i keep feeling there's something wrong here..

i dun know.

i want to be the person who gives to the world. gives to ppl

i dun wan to add on to the wants that everyone is everyone.

i want to cater to it.

that's what i want.

and in itself, it is a want.

i'm really confused ,and disturbed.

y do i dictate myself to immed omit any guy who 's not a christian as potential boyfriend?
i want to understand myself/
these are my values.

why do i behave this way?

why why why

do i love myself? eugene asks

no

i've had suicidal thoughts before. not now la.
so i dun love myself

what binds me to this life is God.
he gave me life.
and i dun have the power to take it away
i want to discover my purpose here.
why m i given life for?
y m i created in mom's womb for?

y did all the things that happen to me happen for?

i want to discover myself.
that is what i want.

i dun know what i want in material terms.
cars, condos, 10 k salary?

i dun know i seriously dun.

for me money is well spendable.

it comes and it goes.

no use earning it.
no use squandering it.it wont make u any happy.

hmmm, the thing is, i say a lot of things, i know a lot of things, but how much do these things do i actually believe in ?

that i'm not sure.

haha, eugene made me think of this point.

how much of these things do i believe in.
do i base what i want to be on what is right, what is glamourous , what is desirable and acceptable?
is that y i'm always languishing behind other ppl?
because the only accepted grounds are those that has already been covered?

i dun think abt my goals
my aims
my material wants.

it feels wrong to do so
it feels bad

what makes me think its bad
whats my value , moral system like?


because i know i should not be selfish and think abt myself always right?

i mean this is what we have been thought from young.

take into consideration other ppl.

it feels sinful to think about me me me

what i want out of the world instead of protecting it.

what i want out of ppl instead of building them up
what i want out of my life, when its God who hold the reins.

its like telling God i want to run my own life
it feels like a blasphemy
it just feels so wrong...
like the hymns we sing, din they tell u to give it up to God?
let God's plans for u shine.



but yet i know he knows what choices we'll make before we think abt them, so does that mean, eugene is right?
just have ur own goals. tell them to God. strive for the best. den see which doors God will open for u.

i'm confused.


how do i merge this two school of thoughts together?

ppl around me seem to have done it.

following God yet developing their dreams ,desires..
is this just a guilt trip?
is this just flawed thinking?(my own set of thinking)

a fixed mindset?

crappp...
i wish i had the ans...
my brain is threatening to explode..


again. i feel bad for wasting food.

its really easy to make me feel bad


and again. dun.

because i'll be really sad.

and depressed.

i dun wan to be this sort of girl eugene!

i dun wan to be the very person that i m

i dun wan to have the very personality i have

i want to be bubbly cheerful happy

always
always.
always..

and true happiness comes from God..
i dun know

this seems like random facts thrown together..

i cant marry them all together.

i feel like a lot of my jigsaw pieces are missing..

i really need to sleep.

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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