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Sunday, July 19, 2009

12:52 PM

i feel so out of sorts, not sure if its the hormones raging again. everything just started going downhill after the night training. i want to ask myself, how come i'm so serious about this job? i cant really come up with a good answer myself, just that, all the skills and techniques that i learnt here, if only i had known it earlier, i would have a abundant secondary and jc school life.
roughly termed as that, because right now , my networking skills are still nothing to boast about.

if you ask me if i like sales, i dun like the entangling of feelins on my way to the appointment, the hopeful yet controlled sort of emotions that will surely surface.
"what if close?" wow, i'll start counting how much commission i'll be earning
" what if not close" oh no, i start to mentally prepare myself that its all right, God knows everything that's gonna happen, so if really not closing it will happen anyway, i just need to try my best, learn something from the appointment, and move on. ;)
i hate that conumdrum

but if it does close, i feel elated, and satisfied, like some old itch that has been properly relieved.
like " whoa, i really can do it man! "
its like a really effective ego booster.

i guess that's one of the reasons i stayed one,
because i can do it.
it provides much needed self esteem and confidence to my wounded soul.

i really dun wanna live life as it is, not being able to socialise, not being able to network, scared to death of doing a speech in front of more than 2 people, scared of this , scared of that.

i just wanna break all limitations, also i harbor dreams of living a comfortable life, with my family.

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recently been pissed with money problems, now that everything seems to be adult fare, the bus uncles and macdonald aunties dun seem so friendly anymore, all the prices seem to be ballooning.
when i first started working, what i earned i spent,until now, i realised how much i'm spending, on transport, food and phone bills, its like mad.
so i started cutting down on all these,
but something i can control is transport.
i mean i have to travel from point 1 to point 2 anyways..
so usually after my appts at night, i'll rush back to company for night training at about 10pm/11 pm which will usually drag..
u might ask, den why do i still attend these trainings? when my last bus is like 11.30pm, and i'll have to spend money on taxi later ( which i'll get really worried about, the late night hours, the potentially" perverted " taxi uncle, and how much the midnight surcharge might accumulate til)

it would be becuase a lot of skills are taught there, but another thing that i hate about the training is that its effective, but requires a lot of honesty from my part.
take for example, the last training on friday night.
we had to take turns to go to the front of the room and present part of the first day training, using the whiteboard and all. there were only 4 people, but i was so nervous i talked like a bullet gun and my handwriting was atrocious, some of the remarks given to me was , my heart seemed to be else where, and the "students" had a feeling that i'm just going through the mill, and not for the sake of them learning, and they felt unimportant.

i dun deny i'm a perfectionist, and an idealist. hearing this, i'm like totally not happy, but have to be honest with myself, and say, yes, i admit that was a crappy attempt and that i could do so much better.
in a way, its like another limitation broken, and i like that, but m still feeling rather sore about it.

plus the taxi ride home was quite , erm, a " heavy burden on the heart"
i'm a miser when it comes to money these days...i so want to travel, and buy the things i like..but will have to save lo..

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went to watch harry potter with aditya yesterday, enjoyed the movie tremendously, tho cant say that i enjoyed the company, mostly cuz of myself.
was feeling not myself in my white dress in the first place( i seldom wear dresses, but the outfit will be totally suitable for hanging out at karmy's chi chi farewell party later at the lighthouse situated at the top of fullerton hotel) , and i was trying to remember random tips and advice on how to network and talk to ppl, so i had this almost glazed look on my face, as if trying to rmb something..
it was rather patronizing if u ask me.. both of us, its like awkward.. just weird.
nodding out heads and doing silent t-ups..

i rmb i just felt like a phoney then, its like a baby pretending to be able to walk already, i think he noticed cuz, human emotions are all interlinked, if u're not enjoying, ppl will be able to tell.

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went over to karmy's party, but not before rushing back to office from ps to collect some goodie bag stuff. i have made a goodiebag with some local singaporean snacks for karmy, when she goes over to the states..
lols, felt a bit insecure tho,all the other ppl's gifts were all branded shirts retailing at 100 bucks apiece or something, i guess mine is the most " unique " u can say so.
suddenly realised it is quite silly, i mean, she booked the whole lighthouse pent loft for the dinner, and the menu consists of wagyu beef and the likes, and i seriously tot she'll like apollo chocolates from the mama shop?

oh wells, u never know, i feel regretful mostly, cuz i could have gotten to know karmy a lot more..

at this moment, there were a lotta emotions coursing men:

1) apprehensive, moody, cuz i haven seen the choir ppl for so long. and i dun talk to them, thankfully tania wasnt there, that girl could always throw me off my carefully prepared state of mind, with her withering stare. how i countered it was to visualise who i'll want to be in 5 years time, and acting like my future self, open, bubbly, friendly, elegant, polished. its still me in a way and i felt more comfortable again. it also helped that i keep reminding myself that i'm a networker! all those months of talking must have amounted to something, so just talk baby and relax! :)

2) thinking of the trainings i'm gonna miss, and feeling a little guilty as i'm supposed to be in fighting mode now, and i'm taking time off to sip champange , and eat wagyu beef smothered in pureed cream of veggies or whatever.

3) feeling tired from sales, its like its hard to incorporate it as a lifestyle, i'm beginning to, but not just yet. i just want to stop thinking about networking, and just blank my mind to be just me. and crap, and eat, and banter. but in the first place, the old me wouldnt do all these, she would just blend into the wallpaper and be "happily" contented with not overcoming her fear . and leave the premises feeling sad and lonely.

4) feeling a bit lost, i cant believe i'm invited to this chi chi party! its like , whoa.
i'm really grateful for the invitation, i cant say i know karmy the best, but to be selected as one of the most impt 52 ppl in her life is like wow..
also, the moment i hit the loft, i'm like, tis is SO gossip girl, pretty long legged girls with long hair that was whipped up by the sea breeze, ppl mingling around holding champange flutes, tinkling laughter punctuating the air. a live band, men in fitted tuxs walking around with plates of wine glasses, and cushy couches, AND fireworks.
i mean... this is so the life of the chi chi ppl..

and the top topic on everyone's lips are" oh my gosh! i haven seen u in AGES! SO, darling, what are u doing now? "
expectant pause,
me: erm, ....
" so where are u going to? "
me: erm, ( smiles brightly abeit fakely) i'm taking a gap year!
" oh really! thats so interesting darling, :) "

truth is i got letters from the unis all right, rejection letters..
sighs..
everyone seems to have already tied down the next 3-4 years of their life, they seem to know what they want to be..

i'm still feeling lost people~

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there was gonna be a butter factory after party, i left early, to catch the last train back to eunos,
and realised that office was closed, training's over, and ppl are leaving.
i was sorta panicking
i screamed at mmh over the phone.
my stuff are in the locker.
i have to deliver today.
mind racing, i'm like sheet sheet sheet.. oh no..

ran to office, met ms dorothy and everyone, office locked.
erms..
i was fuming.
i could have taken the last train to jurong, or the last train to pasir ris, and i took to office
but things din turn out the way i expected, so got angry, childish right?
:(
plus, i had to shoulder the taxe fare again for nothing.
and there was nothing more lonely den sitting on the NR yourself and walking home from clementi by yourself, in laced legging, a flowy white dress that screams attention and diamante heels.
half the time i was scared to death of being mugged.
lols..
i'm definitely NOT ok this few days.. feel pepetually moody and grumpy, and complicated..

maybe the time of the month is here again.
i cant hardly control my emotions at this part of the month.
i have to fight with some one ....
if i managed to invent something that can do away with these horrible effects of hormones, i'll prob earn big bucks..

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

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75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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