Tuesday, September 15, 2009
9:17 PM
lately, i feel so unempowered, i've tried to get out of my predicament by doing something new, maybe not wholly the things i'm afraid of. but there were some days i felt i could slide back into my groove again, but i din.the little scraps of courage i mustered up to break my monotonous and down-in-the-dumps routine, din accumulate to push me back on track.
i feel lonely, and not alone at the same time.
lonliness is a feeling isnt it not?
you can be in a roomful of people and yet still feel alone.
i've been reading manga this few days.
i have to keep telling myself its all fake, keep telling myself not to behave like a little girl
i remembered i cried last dec to eugene, said that it is so difficult to grow up, i want to be a little girl, to whine, to dream, to think that things will be ideal and good.
but he just said that that's not gonna happen, and the sooner i realize that, the better.
and den i cried, cuz i dun want to believe so.
now thinking back, i've become a little more jaded, true, i'm not wallowing to that extent anymore, but i still cant wish with all my heart those manga depicts real life.
that there will be someone who cares out there, who bothers to give me the time of day, even if i'm in my most horrible down-in-the-dump mood, and m actively trying to avoid everyone else.
i want to believe that there is someone on earth who will keep giving and giving.
but thats stupid.
we humans, we all need love and affection, they might care about me for the first few times, but after a while, they'll give up.
as mmh said, which is quite true, people like happy people, they dun like to hang around grouchy, sad, pessimistic people.
if i want to be happy, if i want people to notice me, if i want to be loved, i have to put myself there and do something.
i have to get past myself, is that it?
but thats so terrible.. if i have to hide myself,hide my feelings, to socialize with others....( that calls for discipline is it)?
den i prob dun wanna get married,2 people stuck in limbo, bound by contract, each yearning to be loved.. though i'm in love with the idea of getting married.
i just want to be in relationship cuz there's someone to look out for me, someone to accompany me, and someone to love and care for me.
dun we all?
in a way, marriages are kinda selfish,
do i talk as if i'm a very selfish person?
i dun want it to be like this..
i dun think the system is selfish,
i feel as its myself..
oh no, wanqin... since when have you changed so much?
i'm getting weepy again .. sighs..
is that it?
how the world works?
if i could have anything, i'll want to be able to behave like a little girl :)
artists have a higher percentage of getting depression, cuz they have" endless inward self evaluations and reflections"
haha, so now thinkign too much will shorten my lifespan as well :(
in that case, i still want to behave like a little girl, cuz i'll be naive and simple and courageous.
and i'll live longer as well..
but i dun think i can.
if ever i get married, i'd really wish i can act like a a little girl. do things i like, say things i like.
but it wont be fair to him, it'll prob be a burden on top of all his real life problems...
sighs
haha, i guess this is called me time :)
i'll only be a little girl, when i'm be myself, with God overseeing me :)
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there once was a little girl, she lived in a bright yellow house situated in the middle of a busy town.
she had 2 other siblings, and a lovely mother.
unbeknowest to other people, she has a secret-- she was able to "teleport" herself to another world whenever she wanted.
however, the journey always tired her greatly, so eventually it became her own habit to escape to this realm only when she felt sad.
During her stay in that realm, her family members and friends would find her really anti-social and sullen as if she were defeated.
nevertheless, they learned to get used to her strange and abrupt changes in her behaviour,though they still found her a little strange.
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in that other realm, there was huge purple planet.
it had a really rocky surface, and wherever the little girl walked, plumes of royal purple dust would swirl up and cloud her vision.
she liked how the dust settles and rises, for it was predictable, and gave her a sense of security.
gazing out skyward, she could see the galaxy and the myriads of stars and nebulas zooming across light years away.
The little girl felt as if she could stay there looking at the stars forever,the sight of the cosmic wonders never failed to calm her quelling heart and still her racing mind. with such a wondrous sight to behold, all her fears, insecurity and troubles would melt away without fail, cast to the back of her mind like an unwanted toy.
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unfortunately, this little girl was born a perfectionist, she harboured BIG and WILD dreams underneath her docile facade. after a while,She became impatient with herself for gazing at the sky day after day and she wondered why she was dawdling her time away on her beloved planet, when there were things undone, things unsaid, and things unattempted in her own realm.
encouraged by the sudden burst of impulse, she picked herself up and continued along her way.
there was always this slight problem, she was able to travel to this little purple planet at will, but the returning journey always troubled her greatly.
it was not a matter of not being able to return, but a matter of when she would be able to return, for the doorway back to her own realm was almost always hidden, in a different location of the little dusty planet everytime she travelled there.
she loved exploring the planet , searching for the door high and low, but the uncertainty of whether she would be able to make it back always gnawed at the back of her mind.
the surface of the planet is really rocky, and along the way, there are alot of tiny black caves.
the little girl wasnt very sporty and often stumbled into many a caves.
that would have wasted more time, for though these enclaves were well stocked with food and light, the path out of it is tricky, and sometimes the little girl might be lulled back into a comfortable zone -- why waste so much energy and trouble going home, when i'm comforable and happy here?
but her ambitions and her dreams would always prevail, and she would gather herself up and go along her way.
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there were times, in which the little girl really wanted to give up and just stay there on the comfortable purple planet for good.
at times such as this, she might occasionally meet some travelling creatures who would give her the encouragement and the push that she needed.
most of the times, they were in the form of rabbits, but the little girl knew that they are able to shape shift according to their moods and their desire.
so one day, she met one of these creatures, it was a pale pink rabbit with bluish eyes and silver whiskers.
the rabbit which we'll just call mr woffles here, is on his way towards her realm and was unhappy to be stopped by the little girl
" can't stop! got to go! i've had lots of things to do back home!the world is waiting for me to be a role model for them! " and he bounded off quickly in huge strides.
the little girl followed behind him on his quest to find the doorway.
it was so much more easier doing this with a 'friend" or at least a fellow traveller.
she watched him fall into the caves, watched him pick himself up, watched him try and try, the fire in him burning always.
she wondered why she was so very different and if it was possible to be like mr woffles?
after a few days of travels, both of them were tired of the purple dust,the unchanging cosmic nebulas, and the little girl thought to herself,no harm trying, it might actually lead her to the doorway.
as if he could read her thoughts, mr woffles remarked gravely," how true, its better for one to be forgiven for making a mistake den to not have tried at all"
by this time, mr woffles had turned into a yellow teddybear with brown spots and a garish gold tie.
the little girl nodded silently, and wished with all her might that she was back home, surrounded by people who cared about her, facing their incessant questions about where she has been, and all the naggings.
she thought about the challenges of real life, not being able to escape whenever she liked.
she thought about the euphoria she would feel when she managed to fulfill her goals.
she thought about the things that she liked, the sour tangy feel of yoghurt, the pitterpattering of raindrops on the window and the coldness of snowflakes on her skin.
she wanted to go home.
her problems seem so small now compared to her desires.
the little girl felt empowered, and so happy, she haven felt like this in a long time.
suddenly , they rounded a bend, and saw a small bronze door carved into the rocky surface, it was glowing softly as if enticing them to go through it.
mr woffles yelped excitedly and lept throught the open doorway. with a loud swoosh and a hurried yell" see you on the other end!" he was gone.
the little girl was all alone now, she looked back at the purple surrounding behind her.
she had been comfortable, but she was wasting time, it was time to face reality.
confidently she walked into the glow of the open door.
squeezing her eyes shut, she made a silent vow to herself, she wont be coming to the purple planet so frequently, it was a "promise" she has always made to herself, but she is still trying her best to fulfill it.
the wind stopped ringing in her ears, her hair settled around her shoulders and the rushing sensation was gone.
she opened her eyes, she was inside her bedroom once again.
looking around, she strode over to her window and threw it open.
the fresh morning air ebbed towards her and she inhaled it sharply.
the morning call of the birds were music to her ears,
she's back
things will be good,
because she firmly believes so :)
Toh Wan Qin Roxanne
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I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.
I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.
I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.
I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.
I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.
It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.
75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness
Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.
I am random and fickle like the wind.
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