Monday, June 07, 2010
6:55 PM
ahi said my piece and it ended the way i feared it would.
its over , yet its a new beginning .
i'm determined to be as positive as i can.
i think i've been on a cliff hanging for as long as i can remember, ever since that night at plaza sing.
and he said what he shouldnt have.
and it made me all confused.
what cuts me up the most is that he actually said last night that he intended to pretend to be my bf for a while to help me.
feeling indignant, like how could he do that?
you know how insensitive that is?
but at the same time, his purpose worked, i've become a much more cheerful, stronger person.
so now, its like, i want to hate him for that, yet i cant, cuz he's really helped me a lot. he bore the full brunt of all my sheet last time. i cant forget that.
like a balloon let out of air.
since i cant permit myself to feel either way, i'd rather not feel anything at all.
bury myself in work, indulge in other things.
bittersweet.
the most crucial thing now, i cant wallow
i wont wallow
roxanne is stronger than this.
what is one small rejection amongst all the other rejections i face in my job all day long?
yet i know the majority of the hurt came from that one sentence, and the murder of that hope that, perhaps, i could be loved once again?
the hope that i'm not as jia lat as i knew i was on that night at plaza sing?
shakes head, i'm trying to forget it all.
i dun care what others say about avoidance, for me, the best way to bounce is to forget that incident ever..
since i cant do anything, i'm going to forget it.
that being said, since i'm going to forget it,
i have to constantly remind myself, there is nothing wrong with me. i cannot let this affect my self esteem.this is not my fault. i dun bloody care who's fault it is . it wont turn back time so i wont wont bother with it anymore.
we just wasnt meant to be , thats all.
roxanne is made of stronger stuff than this.
---------------------------------------------------------------
my resolution is wavering again.
today spent the day writing the SRA nomination report.
tried to block out everything's that happened last night and wrote out a decent draft.
just sent it to booncheong, and felt a momentary relief before the urge to cry comes up again and i tot i'll just organize my thoughts on line.
just receieved another message from booncheong, saying that it wasnt satisfactory.
its not me being perfectionist or anything. just felt this sagging feeling in my heart again.
and the tears just came out once more.
well, i din expect my draft to be perfect. its more the idea that things are failing.
no no no. cant indulge in such thoughts.
i know i can do it.
eugene or no eugene. it doesnt matter.
it never should have mattered from the very start.,
let it all end with this post.
Toh Wan Qin Roxanne
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profile
I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.
I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.
I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.
I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.
I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.
It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.
75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness
Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.
I am random and fickle like the wind.
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