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Saturday, July 17, 2010

12:19 AM

I guess this few days i've been so aware of other people's feelings that i find that i'm become angsty and moody. the cathartic release came in the form of one of my tenant's videos about her baby son Kyler.

for some reason, i broke down completely while watching that film , i tried to include the link here, but even if i did, you would need to be friends with her to view it, cuz its shared on facebook, and facebook is too public for me to share what i feel about that video.
feeling a little embarrassed in saying this as well.

it shows her in her late stages of pregnancy , loving photos taken with her husband, smiles all around, followed by all the heart wrenchingly cute pictures of her baby son. they are both just 21 years old, just one year older than me. i could imagine all the stigmatism and weird looks by the average stranger on them, but they seem so together, so united, so passionate. i cant understand it..
at that moment, i just couldnt take it , it seemed so private, so pure that i cant look at the video straight, the very first time i watched it. the second time i forced myself not to press the fast forward button and look at it straight.

something terry said came back to the surface again: its unbelievable that i have not experienced love even though i've been in 2 r/s.

judging by my reaction there, could it be that i'm even of falling in love? feel that i'm not worthy to be loved, which is y i keep shying away from it?
i really dun know.. i hope that's not the case!

i dun understand it , i really dun..
right now, another phrase that rachel from penguincandance have said surfaced in my mind: dun think, dun try to understand, move with the music, feel it with your soul.relax

although when she said it , it was supposed do apply to my salsa steps, but i think it can apply to love as well..
maybe i'm thinking too much.

maybe i 'm just scared of getting hurt, but that would mean never really being in love.

as Ken watanabe in Inception said : its a leap of faith .
sometimes you get hurt, sometimes you get lucky.

its a 2 way thing anyways, so even if it break down, i shouldnt and will not blame myself.

rar.. i need to steel myself . courage to take that leap !

i've been reading blogs almost the whole day today.

something that i read comes to me now: a lot of people in relationship love each other but are not in love , meaning they have affectionate love for each other, but they do not desire each other.

when i see phrases like that, my mind cant really process them very well, cuz the library of information i have to draw on is based solely on my seemingly brief and tension fraught experiences many years ago..

i will sit there and wrack my brains and frown, is that y the r/s broke down?
i really dun understand. was it this case in my past few r/s ? what can i do not to repeat the same mistake again?

so now, do you thing that phrase is true?
"a lot of people in relationship love each other but are not in love , meaning they have affectionate love for each other, but they do not desire each other "


i would not want to be like this of course. ( not sure if anyone would want to be)
what i want right now is a soulmate.
not a boyfriend.

but i think soulmate is evolved from boyfriends? so i have to play the dating game? Gah...

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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