Wayne incoming
Monday, October 04, 2010
11:03 AM
Honestly speaking, I had not fathomed the extent of the difficulties that I would face the last few days.I thought i had prepared myself for the big departure you know?
i've always hated leaving . I dun like to be left behind.
i even naively believed that wayne is the one who might need me here, cuz he misses Singapore, its food, and the people he left behind, which is y i spent so much time making a care-package for him .
Now i'm feeling rather disgruntled because it turns out that he's quite alright ,what with the previous two experiences of leaving home to refer to. and the only train wreck here is me.
:(
rar, the perfect side of me cannot stop to admit that i'm weak, that i do miss him very terribly.
so i've been trying to suppress that longing by trying to avoid him and everything.
its easy to avoid him now, because there's a 7 hours time lapse between us .
but its not been easy, i feel like i'm torturing myself you know? and the second day was just the most horrid. the waterworks turning on and off at a whim , or whenever i receieve his messages .
why m i feeling this way? like a horrible train wreck?
so many things to do at the back of my head, warning bells to start reclaiming my life back and all i can think of is , what time is it in paris. what is wayne doing, i want to see him
bad bad bad ...
i feel so desperate, which is something i loathed , even in myself.
ah, all these self hate..
i wish i can just embrace all these parts of me.
even if i dun understand y i'm feeling this way, and y m i turning on myself for feeling this way.
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feeling a bit better now.
i always feel much better in the morning
i woke up at 2.30 am yest intending to talk to wayne on skype, its about 8-9 pm paris time.
while waiting for him to wash up, i fell asleep.
woke up this morning at 8am with a hollow feeling, languished in bed til about 10 am.
mind mostly blank and wasting time and thinking about last night about not being able to talk to him .
til i couldnt stand how pathetic i m anymore and dragged myself out of bed.
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i've moved all his photos into a separate album so as to stop myself from looking through them whenever i'm free.
removed most of his photos from my iphone.
have stopped listening to classical music, strictly pop songs from now on.
have made out a new to-do list to keep myself busy with activities from morning til night .
feel a little more in control.
aiyo... i wonder y i'm always so extreme one.
its either miss the person til i'm going to die
or
ditch the whole notion all together.
its kind of true that i'm struggling,
i've always been struggling with my notions of being perfect. its not a conscious thing that i can actively suppress. its just arises, and only after i've done something, will i realize that its me being perfect again.
either missing the person perfectly
or
not missing him perfectly.
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i guess, i'm afraid that our r/s is still very on the surface you know?
all these doubts and fears.
that he'll forget me in paris. that he will become indifferent towards me.
he has my care package, but i've nothing to remember him by.
feelings of unfairness will always arise at this point, in which i'll start feeling stressed, and keep telling myself its not as it seems.
i hate solving myself!
wayne told me that i can tell him anything.
but through experience,
i know that you cant tell a person anything and everything.
esp when he's so far away.
i dun want him to feel like " oh no, not again , she's at it again"
i dun want him to get tired of me. so i guess in a way, i've always been supporting myself partially.
i dun want him to get tired of hearing me say how much i miss him and so on.
i wonder if this is what a long distance r/s is supposed to be?
i'm just trying not to think about it, and hope for the day in which he comes back for good.
so, i dun know how i'm going to last for 2 years, when i feel like i'm going to crack.
let's hope that its just the third day that he left.
my oh my.. three days! so very long ..
so stressed.
Toh Wan Qin Roxanne
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I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.
I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.
I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.
I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.
I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.
It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.
75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness
Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.
I am random and fickle like the wind.
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