silent warfare, stubborn roxanne

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Monday, October 11, 2010

8:59 PM

Sort of fought with wayne, so its gonna be a lonely week .

oh wells, i have 3 tests back to back this week.

mugging now, to also keep my mind off things, and also things are getting really tough.. hard pressed to keep up with studies.
and everyone is so competitive!

i'm starting to think maybe ldr with wayne is not for me .

hope i'm not feeling this for real, and its because its that stupid time of the month, where my feelings are distorted and exaggerated.

self imposed an iphone ban, so no messages from wayne, or from friends( because i simply dun have time to transfer all my contacts so only less than 10 people know i changed numbers)

i dun know when this self imposed " cold war " will end,

all i know now, i dun feel like talking to him cuz its stressful thinking of things to say to gap the silence,i cant relax when i see him, instead i feel more stressed about my appearance, about what to say. and the horrible feeling that i'm contributing more than i should keeps surfacing. i'm tired. the naggy feeling that i'm not special enough to him. den the thoughts will jump to the fact that its his first r/s, i must be patient... i'm tired. when will i be able to lean on him? or do i have to carry my own weight around if i want to stay with him? and also, part of me feels that carrying my own weight around is ok, be a strong career woman, be ruthless, strong, powerful, unwavering, let people lean on me instead. and another part of me just want to be the little woman, and be taken cared of.

-i wonder if it is because i have too much expectations on what he should do?
if it is because of the expectations, thats y i'm disappointed, den how do i go from here? because i cant pretend that i'm not affected by it, because i m, and if i just hide everything, this r/s is bound to crash.
-and if i voice it out, what should we do ? me tone down my expectations? its not as if its a conscious thing that i can switch off in my brain.. him change? would that be demanding of me then? to change him? dun people always say, if you love someone, you'll embrace all of him/her?
or is it because this is his first r/s? i'm very confused.


besides i;ve been on my very best behaviour for a long long time, because i want to be the best girlfriend, learning from mistakes i made in past r/s. its tiring looking out and thinking of someone constantly when there's no one looking out and thinking for you . the best behaviour is adopted willingly by me, though its tiring, because i want him to know that there's someone for him.its not as if i have a motive , or m being unnatural.


i wish i can exhibit perfect unconditional love, no matter how i feel i'm treated. but i cant. i'm unhappy.

now i think comes a point, i'm so tired about thinking for him, and looking out for him .
so much so that he has nearly consumed all my thoughts, and his presence had taken root in my life even though he's not here.

sub consciously i've started to revolve my life around him .
work to go to paris to see him
save money like crazy.
wake up at 4 am to skype him ..

to a point, that i think , his level of reciprocation( which remains at the normal level) , there's no way it'll satisfy me anymore , because i've given up so much to accomodate him , and the expectations naturally go up.

i think i shall backtrack and be alone for a few days.
i will use this few days to think about things .

i dun know if this is what i want now.

shall study for wednesday's test now .

Toh Wan Qin Roxanne

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Hello. my name is (Roxanne),and this is my online diary.

I love the color YELLOW, though i don't wear it.

I love clowns, frogs, polka dots, and whimisical brollies.

I love olden english, the Victorian era, and am a steampunk fan.

I love good architecture, classic designs, photography, and arts and craft.

I am a die hard Romantic and I love doing things with people I love.

It is my ambition to be a businesswoman , and my childhood dream to be an air stewarddess.

I am random and fickle like the wind.

75% unpredictablilty 20% steadfastness, and 5% craziness

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